5 Natural Ways To Whiten Teeth, Because No One Loves Harsh Chemicals

As we all clamor to make ourselves more conventionally attractive during our long-winded journey towards death, more often than not the methods we use for vanity are detrimental to our health and cause negative long term effects. While genetics play a strong role, nobody is born with teeth as beautiful as Regis Philbin’s shining whites. Which is why it’s a game changer to find natural ways to whiten your teeth, so you can get the glowing results without covering your mouth in a terrifying film of chemicals.

After all, human beings were vain monsters with teeth way before we invented plastic sheets covered in whitening gels, right?! Neanderthals wanted to get fucked as much as us entitled post-industrial revolution babies, and they also likely viewed nearly translucent white teeth as a sign of health and sexual superiority! So what were their tricks? How does one remove the consistent sheen of coffee and wine from their teeth without dousing their gums in bleach?!

Luckily, there are a handful of cost effective tried-and-true tricks that’ll gloss up your smile without rapidly poisoning your precious chompers! Without further adieu, here are five natural ways to whiten your teeth.

1. Coconut Oil Pulling

Besides transforming your skin into smooth and shining beacons of youth and beauty, coconut oil apparently has the ability to reduce bad breath and whiten your teeth as well. The practice of coconut oil pulling involves gargling a spoonful of coconut oil daily for anywhere between 5-15 minutes, which apparently gradually whitens teeth as well as strengthening your gums with it’s anti-microbial properties.

2. Blue-based Lipsticks

While applying flattering lipstick may not actually change the color of your teeth, for those of us who are lazy and vain picking smart makeup can create the illusion of white teeth without actually damaging our real teeth. When given the option, next time you’re shopping for a signature bold lip, opt for blue-based option over orange-based as blue will bring out the white and orange will bring out last night’s binge-drinking.

3. Apple Cider Vinegar

Much like coconut oil, apple cider vinegar has become known as a cure-all with its provision of scalp-cleaning capabilities, probiotics and gradual ability to whiten teeth. It can aid with teeth whitening both through adding a daily dose of it to your water and daily brushing. Make sure to still use your regular toothpaste though, because too much ACV can wear down your enamel.

4. Activated Charcoal

While filling your mouth with a substance normally associated with grilling hot dogs or sketching naked people may not seem appealing in concept, activated charcoal has the ability to bind toxins and remove stains from your teeth when properly applied. All you’ve gotta do is brush your teeth with the charcoal for about 2 minutes (they will be completely black), and carefully spit out the charcoal afterwards. It can also aid in restoring the PH balance of your mouth, this is a method best used every few weeks or months and not daily.

5. Regular Brushing And Flossing

I know it seems like a cop-out, but the best way to maintain healthy white teeth is to brush at least twice a day, and ACTUALLY FLOSS THEM EVERY DAY! Despite the fact that flossing can feel like a Sisyphean exercise in bleeding gums, the more often you do it the easier it will be. Plus, your teeth will look whiter than a freshly fallen snow.