11 Times This Taylor Swift Interview Made Me Want To Be Friends With Her (LOL Nope)

Taylor Swift is many things, but she is nobody’s friend.  She’s a calculating and entrepreneurial woman who grew up on a Christmas tree farm in Wyomissing with a twinkle in her eye and a yen for the spotlight. Her success is due to a dogged determination to be very good at what she does: making catchy pop songs that cater to the lowest common denominator, churning out hits that speak to a bland sense of empowerment, skirting around feminism as praxis and glomming onto the word’s current definition in popular culture as things that are “friendly” to women as opposed to actually feminist. For what it’s worth, she has been extremely successful in this endeavor. But, the backlash to Swift’s Keds-and-Karlie-Kloss pop music clickbait has been well-documented and, well, swift. We the people are ready for a break, but her reign over a part of the culture is ongoing and will be for quite some time.

Despite her announcement that, after the 1989 tour concluded, she would be taking a break from music, Swift still had time to show up on the cover of May’s Vogue with an Anna Wintour-approved hairdo and a fluffy profile that mostly talks about the wedding that the author and Swift both attended, the vagaries of fame, and that goddamn Christmas tree farm. Accompanying this piece is an installment of Vogue’s “73 Questions”, a video series in which a celebrity leads a faceless interviewer through their very clean home while answering 73 questions in rapid succession. These videos are possibly an attempt at humanizing the celebrity in question, knocking them off their pedestal and positioning them not for the people but as the actual people themselves.

My dislike for Swift is strong; it felt like a professional and personal challenge to watch her answer these questions and see if there was anything about her answers that would actually make this automaton feel relatable.

Out of the 73 answers — all totally natural, completely unscripted and not at all stiff and uncomfortable in the slightest! — I managed to find 11 brief moments of relatability, 11 tiny cracks in the veneer. Here are my findngs.

1. I don’t hate her wallpaper.

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2. Taylor Swift hates clickbait! How does Taylor Swift know what clickbait is? Hasn’t she been famous long enough to like, not know how to use Excel? This remains the only thing that Taylor Swift and I will ever agree upon, ever.

3. Her unease at being asked predetermined questions from a person she had most likely met before for a segment that she agreed to, likely months in advance.

4. That backsplash seems okay, too.

5. In fact, her entire kitchen speaks to a secret love of “Fixer Upper.” Look at that fucking pot filler. Look at those open shelves. Joanna Gaines’ hand is all over this.

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6. Her favorite cake is from Milk Bar, and she almost had me, but then she had to humblebrag about Jay-Z, so just like that, I’m lost.

7. Taylor Fucking Swift is obsessed with The Martian and I don’t understand why.

8. Of course she thinks Kevin Hart is funny. Is he funny? He’s not not funny, but the affirmation that Taylor Swift is actually very basic fills my heart with glee.

9. “I tell my best friends absolutely everything and it never gets out.” — That just means she has an ironclad NDA, and as a person who really just seems like a shell for false empowerment, that’s a savvy, savvy move.

10. She wishes she had written the Friends’ theme song because of the royalties. Sadly, though it pains me to admit this, I agree.

11. The way she mutters “I can do so much better than that,” after naming an insufficient amount of cats in ten seconds.

Not included but worth mentioning, as it undoes the work of everything that precedes it: Taylor Swift’s favorite cocktail is a Diet Coke and vodka — the preferred beverage of college freshmen everywhere. Also, she loves cats, Dateline, chicken tenders and the olive tree her boyfriend planted for her in her backyard. That’s so relatable, and most of all, it’s just so Taylor! We get it, we get it. You’re just like us!!