This Mattress Will Tell You If Someone’s Having Sex In Your Bed, And It Needs To GTFO

Ever worry that you’re sleeping on a bed of deception? Stop wondering and find out for sure because a new mattress tells you if your partner is cheating. Not at all fake-sounding Spanish company Durmett Smartress comes with built-in pressure sensors that monitor mattress activity. Thanks to a “Lover Detection System,” you’ll get an alert on your phone every time your bed is “active.” The company’s highly stressful motto promises to “make your body relax by night and your mind relax by day, when you’re not at home,” which seems accurate if you describe “checking my phone to find out if someone is cheating on me” as relaxed.

Then you can rush home from work just in time to catch your cheating partner in the act, monitoring the activity levels all the way so you can tell just exactly how sexy your significant other is getting without you. You’ll not only be able to learn that he’s cheating on you, but that his “impact per minute” is hitting new highs. That’s gonna hurt.

Durmett’s ad is either a spot-on parody of a horror movie or really fear-mongering and sad depending on your mood. “The ways to meet people have increased. This has boosted infidelity rates,” says the ad. “If your partner isn’t faithful, at least your mattress is.”

According to the angels at ReCodewho did their due diligence by reaching out to Durmett to confirm that it’s even real, the company has 10 employees who make 70 mattresses a day. Company spokesperson Antonio Muiño said Spain’s “infidelity crisis” means there’s a hole in the market for this type of product.

I’m struggling to imagine even one other non-creepy use for this product. It could serve as an extra security system, although that banks on thieves who nap. It could be useful for an AirBNB host who wants to keep her room private and… find out when people don’t respect that. College students and bad roommates might find it helpful and upsetting to know how much their friends use their beds when they aren’t around. Parents who want to know if their children are throwing house parties and losing V-cards in their beds, 90s movie style might see a point.

But if you have $1,750 on hand for a spy mattress and you’re worried about cheating, might I suggest you buy you and your partner a very nice dinner and politely ask him/her what and who is going on in the bedroom when you leave the house? Communication is key, and no one needs all those extra notifications.

Here’s the full commercial, courtesy of Durmett: