5 Ways To Contour Every Part Of Your Body, Because You Are Empowered To Hate All Of Yourself

We live in a time where anything that’s ostensibly “wrong” with your “body” can be remedied with smoke, mirrors, trickery and a contour palette. First they came for your face, thanks to the Kardashians, who are more indebted to drag culture than they’ve ever admitted out loud. Then they came for the ears, a part of your body that doesn’t need any adjustments, but you know how those HD cameras can be! Then, they came for your legs, perfect for a woman with a shitload of a time and no real reason to walk anywhere.

Now, they’re here for your ass.

Yes, I guess if you think your ass could use a little extra and you hate squats and also have the time, energy and desire to blend the shit out of your undercarriage so that it creates the illusion of perkiness, please, by all means be my guest. But, what if all of these parts of your body are beautiful specimens and need no further enhancement than the blood flowing through your veins and the fact that you’re alive? What if you have other body parts — hidden ones, secret ones, hideous ones — that need to be beaten and shaded and blended into submission?

Here’s some simple solutions. :)

Armpits

NEW ARMPIT

Put on deodorant. Starting from the outer edges, take a sharp, soft black eyeliner, and start shading. Keep shading. Keep going until you reach the other side of your arm. Please, don’t stop shading. Shade until you can no longer see the armpit. Set with translucent powder. Go about your day.

Toes

TOES AFTER

Nothing says spring like a bold red polish on the toes, but why not take that a step further? Paint your toes at home, but instead of putting on a topcoat once you’ve painted the actual nail, extend the polish all the way down the center of your toes. Remind yourself as the flesh tightens under the drying varnish that pain is beauty.

Bellybutton

NEW BELLYBUTTON

Everyone loves innies, but outies are outré and subversive and therefore very, very in. Grab a wad of cotton balls and some medical grade adhesive. Stuff your bellybutton with the cotton balls, adhering the soft fluff to your tender flesh. Once dry, cover your entire stomach in Dermablend concealer and draw a bellybutton to the northeast of where your actual bellybutton once was. Craft the bellybutton of your dreams with chewing gum, silly putty and that weird adhesive that’s on the back of magazine inserts. Cover in a coat of polyurethane and prosper.

Cankles

ANKLES AFTER

God forbid your shapely calves don’t taper down into slender, birdlike ankles, but never fear, we’re gonna get you fixed right. Take  some masking tape, a handful of cinnamon sticks, a bag of Doritos and a hammer. Put all of this in a Vitamix.  Pulse on high for 5 minutes. Rub the mixture into your cankles, blend it out with a damp BeautyBlender. God, look how beautiful you are.

Anus

ANUS AFTER

Gather all of your belongings. Throw them into the trash and set it on fire. Enact your Plan B in the light of that flame. Move to Montana under an assumed name to herd goats, make pinch pots and make yogurt. Bask in the sense of accomplishment of removing yourself from the patriarchal beauty-industrial complex. The light in me honors the light in you.