Paula Deen Is Releasing A Clothing Line To Cover Your ‘Front Privates’ And Hopefully Your Back Too

A woman of many words – a few of them which are extremely racist – Paula Deen has recently revealed to reporters her plans to expand out of the biscuits and bigotry business into the realm of fashion. The butter-loving Southern Belle-from-Hell said that fashion has always been her second biggest passion (oh?!), which makes her partnership with online retailer EVINE Live even more thrilling.

Paula said in a press release:

“If there’s one thing I love more than cooking, it’s clothing. Whether I’m at EVINE Live, on the set of my cooking shows or just stopping by one of my restaurants for an order of Savannah crab cakes, people always seem to be asking, ‘Paula, where did you get that outfit?’ I can’t wait to start telling them, ‘at EVINE Live, ya’ll!’”

The unbridled confidence she has in her style matches the terrifying conviction with which she defends her racism, and the clothing is almost as bad. Luckily, if you’ve been asking yourself what body parts she’s aiming to hide, she’s got answers! Paula went to important lengths to dispel all the nonexistent rumors that she cooks nude:

“I don’t know how to say this to you in a nice way, but [my clothes have] to cover my front privates. I want my shirttail to cover my front privates and hopefully my back, too.”

Hell yeah, girl, same here. I’ve been scouring the earth for years for a piece of designer clothing that will not only conceal my unsightly front privates, but will work twice as hard and conceal my back privates too (hopefully!). Her focus on shirttails that cover genitalia is truly a gift to the world, but not as perfect a gift as the term “front privates.”

“I’ve been trying to do this for years,” Deen said, “It was a little hard for me to break out of the kitchen because that’s how people think of me. But if you notice, I never cooked naked. I was always wearing clothes!”

WELL, THERE YOU GO. The nudist rumors can now be laid to rest.