Honestly, Any Celeb That Doesn’t Leave A 1000% Tip Is A Cheapskate

This headline was supposed to be something about Jim Carrey leaving a disproportionately large tip at a restaurant in New York recently, but, guess what? I am not playing this fucking game anymore. Nope, sorry, I’m not doing it.

Apparently, Jim Carrey left a $225 tip on a $151 bill. And, just to scene-set a little, here’s an anecdote from the New York Post’s report on this gripping tale of generosity.

“Everyone seemed to be in a good mood,” said a source.

Wow. I mean, you better be in a good mood. You are getting a tip that is ALMOST BUT NOT QUITE DOUBLE THE BILL. That is very nice for a person in the service industry who, perhaps unfairly, is forced to live off gratuities. Good for them.

Except, this isn’t really that amazing of Jim Carrey. Do you know how little money $225 dollars is to Jim Carrey? Jim Carrey has a reported net worth of $150 million, OK? There are pieces of lint that are relatively more valuable to me than $225 is to Jim Carrey.

And, actually, this isn’t even about Jim Carrey, this is about Taylor Swift and Amy Schumer and everyone who is ridiculously wealthy getting all of these praise-y headlines for giving a relative pittance to one of us poor Normals bringing them drinks and steaks or whatever. But I am not going to celebrate it anymore! No!

I’ve given a stranger a piece of gum before. No one wrote about that, but it is relatively the same exact thing as a celebrity being like, “You are welcome, here is a couple hundred dollars I was just going to blow my nose with anyway!”

The reality is that any celebrity who does not leave AT LEAST a 1000% tip is who we should be writing about. It is not some beatific act of grace for them to be a good tipper. Really, even if tipping a socially acceptable 20% is disturbingly cheap.

I’m serious, imagine being a waiter spending 90-something minutes nervously freshening a celebrity’s glass of Pellegrino. You’re sweating, even just trying to calculate the right amount of eye contact and cordial smiling to make them feel special, but not too special. You do all that and end up NOT having your life eternally changed for the better as a result of their tip? That is disgusting!

Enough is enough. Henceforth, all celebrities are required to tip 1000% OR MORE, and, if they don’t like it, well, they are more than welcome to continue eating and drinking in their private planes where they belong! Keep burning absurd amounts of fuel and contributing to global warming at an absurdly rapid pace for all I care! But don’t you dare show up to even a goddamn drive thru window without intending to reward great service with at least the down payment on a tasteful ranch in Santa Barbara.