NEED: Polar Seltzer’s Possibly Fake “Unicorn Kisses” Flavor
Fizzy beverage devotees are freaking out about a new Polar Seltzer flavor called “Unicorn Kisses,” which may or may not be an April Fool’s joke, but who cares — I want some.
The tongue-in-cheek press release reads, “For years the brand has told consumers that it was the family patriarch Dennis Crowley who had created the ‘best tasting bubble recipe’ in 1882. But now, the new sources within Polar Beverages company’s archives indicate that it was actually magical realism that captured the first sparkle and happiness within each bottle of Polar Seltzer. The new details revealed that Polar Seltzer was first created in a deal struck between a nature-loving humanitarian and a sad unicorn.”
Bottles have been spotted in the wilds of Massachusetts (and by proxy Instagram) so it seems like Polar Seltzer isn’t totally yanking our collective chain, despite the April 1 on its new logo. But Polar Seltzer has never done me wrong. Even the blueberry flavor is tolerable in a pinch! Seltzer is one of my last remaining vices, and so help me, if you deny me this small slice of joy I won’t be responsible for my actions!!! Anyway, if some kind-hearted person at Polar Seltzer is reading this and would like to send a bottle to a thirsty writer in NYC, hmu. I will totally Venmo you the cash (market value only — I will not buy seltzer on eBay.)
Actual unicorns (or at least rhinos with rather unfortunate protuberances) once roamed the Earth, so anything is possible.