The Frisky Speculates: What “Beans” Does Trump Have To Spill On Heidi Cruz?

Last night Donald Trump tweeted, deleted, and then tweeted again a threat to “spill the beans” on Heidi Cruz.

This was in response to an ad which was not created by the Cruz campaign, but by the anti-Trump Super PAC Make America Awesome, which last week targeted Mormon voters in Utah with ads meant to rally them against Trump–who is already so unpopular in Utah that polls show he’d turn the reddest state blue and lose to both Clinton and Sanders in the general election. In last night’s Utah primary, he walked away in last place with only 14% of the vote.

As much as I loathe and despise Trump, there is no question that the ad in question is gross and slut-shamey as hell.

melania trump
CREDIT: Make America Awesome Facebook

Cruz responded to the Trump’s threat on Twitter, calling him a coward.

STILL! The question remains…what “beans” (as it were) does Trump have on Heidi Cruz? Let’s speculate!

  1. Heidi loves yodeling and has secretly always been in love with a goatherd named Peter, whom she plans to return to as soon as she learns to read and teach a paraplegic girl to walk again.
  2. Heidi is a vegetarian, which is actually true. According to Wikipedia, she’s been a vegetarian since childhood due to having been raised in the Seventh Day Adventist Church. This fact may terrify certain Republican voters?
  3. Heidi called the crisis hotline a group of White Nationalists made for people who have been traumatized after being “bullied” for supporting Trump, and confessed her secret love for him.
  4. Heidi auditioned to be on The Apprentice and didn’t make it.
  5. Heidi bought the confusingly hideous floral Ivanka Trump blouse I saw at Marshall’s last night and wears it under all her regular clothes.
  6. Heidi gets her secret kicks by prank calling her neighbors and occasionally murdering them for wearing white after Labor Day. (For serious, she does kind of look like Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom)
  7. Heidi has a secret stash of glamour shots from the ’80s in which she is wearing many cowboy hats and feather boas.
  8. Heidi is actually telling Cruz what to say during the debates through a secret radio transmission, Peter Popoff-style.
  9. Ted Cruz has never actually had sex with anyone, ever, including Heidi. Which would actually be a nice secret to reveal since I don’t think anyone wants to think of how creepy his face would look mid-orgasm.

That’s about all I’ve got! Feel free to share your own theories!