Selena Gomez Danced Drunk On A Table, But Really, Who Among Us Hasn’t?

According to TMZ and our salty older brother Death and Taxes, Selena Gomez was spotted dancing on a table, a teensy bit drunk, at her cousin’s engagement party in Fort Worth, TX, at a casual Southwestern restaurant called Reata Rooftop. It is not, as Maggie Serota, pointed out, a “club.” It’s a ranch-themed restaurant that probably makes a decent margarita for about $2 more than you want to pay.

Here is my favorite crying pop star doing the kind of shit you do when you know you need to go home, but you hear your song come on, so you run from the bathroom line to the dance floor to pay your respects.

According to the “website” Total Frat Move and corroborated by the Instagram photo belo, Gomez was indeed getting lit for her cousin’s newfound love.

We have waited our whole lives for this #whyamIactinglikeigotaring 😝☺️

A photo posted by Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) on

The burgeoning literary talent who sent in the sighting also included a riveting first person account of Selena’s night out, which reads like absurdist, douchey, poetry. After Yung Bret Easton Ellis noticed that Gomez was having a little too much fun, he wisely stayed away from the proceedings. And then, he did this:

Aftee[sic] she somehow stumbled back down stairs she stood directly under me I couldn’t help but shamelessly stare at her ta-ta’s and maybe do a few harmless cat calls to this goddess. I figured what the hell it’s worth a shot and it’s worked on less drunk girls before.

After about a minute of heckling she turned around looked me square into the windows of my soul and flipped me the bird. I caught a solid 10 seconds of finger before she mouthed “fuck you” and escaped into the crowd.

Nothing feels as good after two to four margaritas as telling some red-faced bro in a tattered baseball hat to fuck himself. But, Yung BEE didn’t stop there! Once he got in the elevator with Selena – who had probably reached the “I’m tired and do you still have my bag, I could’ve sworn I left it with you, ugh” phase – his very chill friend decided to pull this shit:

But before I could open my mouth my pledge brother asked “so what’s the occasion?” “We’re celebrating.” Is all her gross posse snarled back at us. “Hey Selena we went to the same middle school” my pledge brother said trying his absolute best to seal the deal. She looked up slowly at him and shouted “It doesn’t matter! None of this fucking matters!”

This, my friends, is the takeaway. Nothing matters. None of this fucking matters!