This Blake Lively Shark Movie Should Be Called “Jaws 2: It’s A-LIVEly”

I can’t stop watching the new trailer for this movie about Blake Lively hiding from a shark on a rock. If you think that’s belittling or reductive, no, you’re wrong. The IMDb synopsis reads, “A young woman is stranded alone on a buoy with a great white shark circling the waters between her and the shore.” That is all that it’s about, and I truly hope that the full movie is 90 minutes of Black Lively hiding from a shark on a rock.

Somehow there is both so little and SO MUCH going on this 90-second trailer. It looks so stupid and yet also I would pursue a doctorate’s degree in film study just to write a dissertation about Blake Lively hiding from a shark on a rock.

Let’s watch the trailer together. There’s scary music, there’s water. There’s screaming and Blake Lively hiding from a shark on a rock.

“THIS YEAR,” say the words popping up ominously on screen, “WHAT WAS ONCE IN THE DEEP… IS NOW IN THE SHALLOWS.” Oh, shit. If you thought hiding from a shark on a rock was safe, thing a-gain.

Also, since the rock is in the middle of the ocean and no one appears to be around, does that mean Blake Lively just has to live there for the rest of her life??? Does she brave The Shallows (TM) and risk getting bit again????? Is that the entire conflict of the plot???????

It doesn’t seem like the first bite is really even that bad, but who knows what Blake Lively is up against? This shark swam all the way in from the deep just to make Blake Lively hide on a rock, people. That’s very vindictive.

Find out what happens when “Jaws 2: It’s A-LIVEly” hits theaters on June 24.