The NRA Is Rewriting Fairy Tales, So Now Hansel And Gretel Have Guns
The NRA has always been big on fairy tales–you know, like the one about how background checks are totally unnecessary, or how men who are convicted of domestic violence should totally be allowed to have guns, or the fun way they like to pretend that gun’s kept in the home are not many times more likely to be used in a homicide, suicide, accidental shooting than in self-defense! Not to mention insisting that guns keep us safe while states with higher gun ownership rates also have much higher gun homicide rates than states with lower gun ownership rates. SO MANY FAIRY TALES.
In keeping with this grand tradition, the NRA website is now posting its own versions of classic fairy tales, in which the protagonists are armed and dangerous. This latest installment is a retelling of Hansel and Gretel!
In this version, Hansel and Gretel are not randomly dropped off in the woods by a cruel stepmother, but go off on their own to hunt food for their family.
Once upon a time, Hansel and Gretel lived with their parents in a cabin near the woods. Times were tough and, like most in their village, their family was struggling to make ends meet. One night, the siblings overheard their parents talking, worried about making it through the coming winter. “What will we do,” their mother cried, “if we can’t feed our family through the winter?” Hansel and Gretel made a plan to help their family.
Sure! OK. And what was this plan, pray tell?
Fortunately, they had been taught how safely to use a gun and had been hunting with their parents most of their lives. They knew that, deep in the forest, there were areas that had never been hunted where they may be able to hunt for food. They knew how to keep themselves safe should they find themselves in trouble. The next morning, before dawn, they left a note for their parents, and gathered their hunting gear.
I have a question here. If the parents were so good at hunting, why didn’t they just go hunting themselves? Judging by the rest of the story, the forest they lived next door to was filled with edible creatures. Were they just stupid? We shall never know!
Anyway, in this version, instead of being lured in by the witch’s gingerbread house, Hansel and Gretel rescued two other children she’d captured, while she was asleep.
The boys directed Hansel to the key that would unlock their cage while Gretel stood at the ready with her firearm just in case, for she was a better shot than her brother. Hansel unlocked the cage and opened the door. The hinges gave a groan and the sound of the witch’s snoring stopped, the silence filling the room as they looked at each other in panic. Gretel got her rifle ready, but lowered it again when the snoring resumed. They helped the boys back out the window and hurried into the forest, breathing a sigh of relief when the cottage was out of sight. They knew they had to get home to their parents to get help with the witch. Thankfully, the moon was now high enough for its light to highlight the pebbles. Hansel and Gretel found their way back to the path and the four of them got back home as dawn was breaking.
Then, they all go home and notify the sheriff, who locks up the witch and takes her away. Oh, and the parents were very happy about all the dead animals they brought home.
Frankly, this all seems pretty anti-climatic. My own politics aside, it seems as if you’re going to bother to turn a fairy tale into pro-gun propaganda, you might as well lean into it. This is basically just a story about how some kids were good at hunting. I could probably have come up with something better, and I hate guns.
However! The whole “fairy tale about kids with guns” thing is certainly pretty damned creepy in light of all the kids accidentally (or purposely) shooting people these days. One would think, for PR reasons alone, they might want to consider not talking about how great it is for kids to have guns right now, or encouraging them with fairy tales.