Ted Cruz Tried To Be Likeable By Participating In Us Weekly’s “25 Things”

In another installation of the best things to ever come out of  US Weekly, Ted Cruz reveals 25 “interesting” facts about himself. Just as Pinocchio claims to be a real boy, via this list, Ted Cruz is desperately trying to prove that he is a relatable, likable person. Let’s break down some of these facts and see how he did.

“As a kid, I used to go bullfrogging on the lake behind our house.”

I’m not sure what this is. I assume “bullfrogging” is the act of catching bullfrogs, but then what? What did you do with all of these frogs, Ted? Here’s hoping he is not referring to any of the Urban Dictionary definitions for “bullfrogging.”

“My first video game was Pong. My parents gave it to me at age 6.”

Yes, you and everyone else born when you were born. Next!

“I was once bitten by an octopus at the beach and got terribly ill. (Yes, apparently octopuses can be poisonous.)”

This is a great image. I like to think this octopus was sent from the future to try to stop Ted Cruz from running for President, but failed to fulfill his mission.

“I broke my hand playing basketball in law school [at Harvard] and almost had to take oral final exams.”

Awwww poor thing! He got a boo-boo while getting one of the most expensive educations money can buy.

“I’m on level 350 of Candy Crush.”

Glad he’s putting that Harvard education to good use.

“At my daughters’ [Caroline, 7, and Catherine, 5] birthday parties, their favorite game is Attack the Daddy. It’s more terrifying than you might think.”

I find that hard to believe Ted. The thought of you interacting with children to any capacity is horrifying.

“My favorite food is cheese.”

This might be the most #basic sentence of all time.

“My favorite movie is The Princess Bride. I can quote every line.”

I stand corrected. Everybody can quote that film Ted, you’re basic AF.

“I’ve watched every episode of Criminal Minds, Game of Thrones, House of Cards and Breaking Bad.”

Cool, Ted. So does everybody’s dad. It’d be more notable if you were into shows like GIRLS or Nashville but we know you’re probably not interested in anything with a female protagonist.

“When I’m away from the family, in Washington, D.C., my dinner is a can of soup. I have dozens in the pantry.”

Soup?! You’re claiming that an INTERESTING fact about you is that you have lots of soup cans in your pantry? I can’t. I’m done.