43 Ways To Be Single

Type “single and” into the search bar and Google will suggest a bunch of phrases that don’t come close to capturing the nuances of the lived single experience. I should know – I’ve been rolling solo for a long ass time and have never thought of my romantic life in such simplistic terms as “single and happy,” “single and lonely,” “single and ready to mingle” or “single and loving it.” Please. Being single is so much more complex and interesting and unpredictable and emotionally unstable than that! Here are 43 more realistic and specific ways to be SINGLE AND…

  1. Single and watching “Vanderpump Rules,” matching Jax’s lies with glasses of wine.
  2. Single and swiping on Tinder just before bed with no desire to ever write anyone back, even someone who is arguably way hotter than you really should be able to get.
  3. Single and swiping on Tinder the second there’s service when you’ve emerged from the subway and responding to messages underneath the table during important meetings.
  4. Single and crafting.
  5. Single and indoor gardening, while wondering if your nine-year-old peace lily with two remain leaves is a metaphor for your emotional vulnerability since your last big breakup.
  6. Single and wishing you could trade sex for a lifetime of companionship with your dog.
  7. Single, but barely, and not interested in dating yet.
  8. Single, but barely, and not interest in dating yet, unless you’ve had five glasses of pinot noir on an empty stomach in which case you’re begging your one other single friend, the one who’s been single since forever, “Come ON! Let’s just go OUT! Just for one more drink?”
  9. Single and one more drink is the last thing you want.
  10. Single and two days unshowered but confident no one will be getting close enough to smell the funk.
  11. Single and trying new things sexually.
  12. Single and stuck in the same old routine.
  13. Single and still internet stalking your ex from seven years ago and his new girlfriend, who is actually not even a “new girlfriend” because she’s his wife and they have a baby, remember?
  14. Single and analyzing his Instagram likes.
  15. Single and putting what’s left of your belief in love into shipping whatever romance is at the center of the TV show you’re currently binge-watching.
  16. Single and avoiding any and all pop culture of a romantic nature because love is dead and you don’t need some shitty twee hipster Netflix sitcom rubbing it in.
  17. Single and unclear on when you last got a manicure, but the dirt and grimy dead skin cells under your nails looks about a month old.
  18. Single and regularly signing for packages from Rent the Runway because looking good ain’t cheap, right girlfriendddd?
  19. Single and so used to being alone that your attempts to date are like a feral child being asked to hack an iPhone.
  20. Single and burning red and white candles and writing down all the qualities you desire in your ideal male because a new age-y witch girl on Twitter said it would help manifest that person into your life, not that you believe in that stuff.
  21. Single and waiting for that stuff to work.
  22. Single and sick of unsolicited advice.
  23. Single and performing a recap of your greatest hits for the amusement and nostalgic whimsy of your married friends.
  24. Single and basically determining who the next President will be.
  25. Single and binge-watching “Broad City” with one hand down your shirt cupping a boob, sure that life could not possibly get any better.
  26. Single and contemplating who would actually swipe right on a guy with a tribal tattoo surrounding his belly button.
  27. Single and debating with yourself about which hot AF tropical destination is perfect for your next solo vacation.
  28. Single and sympathizing with your married friend’s plight at being dragged on yet another skiing trip.
  29. Single and completely out of masturbation material.
  30. Single and writing erotica for fun, because you’re just so full of ideas and the world deserves to enjoy them.
  31. Single and RTing everything @sosadtoday tweets with “it me,” ‘“same” and/or “selfie.”
  32. Single and giving yourself a whore’s bath in some guy’s bathroom.
  33. Single and staring out your bedroom window at 1 a.m., wishing you had popcorn because there’s a woman absolutely dragging her boyfriend for flirting with another girl and, damn, you are so blessed not to be her.
  34. Single and broadening your horizons by hate-fucking a Republican whose dirty talk is just a long string of expletives, not complete sentences.
  35. Single and anxiously skimming Susan Miller’s horoscope until she finally gets around to addressing “what’s ahead” in your love life.
  36. Single and so used to romantic disappointment that having a new crush gives you butterflies whose wings seem to whisper with every flap “LOL you wish, LOL you wish, LOL you wish.”
  37. Single and thinking up excuses for why that crush hasn’t followed you back on Twitter.
  38. Single and sort of disappointed that even your Downton doppelganger, Lady Edith,  met her match — another fictional unlucky-in-love lady bites the dust.
  39. Single and weighing the pros and cons of parenting alone.
  40. Single and perturbed that the delivery guy brought two sets of utensils when you have every intention of devouring all this food on your own, buddy.
  41. Single and $15K poorer thanks to eight years of therapy co-pays in the pursuit of why?
  42. Single and still sleeping on only one side of the bed.
  43. Single and taking up every inch.