Apparently, There Are 7 Boob Shapes Only
Breasts are largely understood to be special snowflakes, each pair unique and sparkling and beautiful in their own right. This, at least for me, has been how I’ve understood my own personal breasts, but this guide from lingerie company Third Love has effectively smashed any preconceived notions I had about boobs. Their guide to breast shapes puts boobs into 7 distinct categories, which make sense, I guess, but feels the teensiest bit limiting if you’ve ever actually seen a pair of breasts in the wild.
Do you have regular boobs? Do your boobs fit into any of these categories? Do you feel weird about your boobs now that you know? Let the guide be your guide to your breast life. ;)
SEE WHAT WE DID THERE
Round, like grapefruits or watermelons or, god, I don’t know, like fake ones?!
Here are round boobs, described as “equally full at the top and bottom,” or, for a more succinct description, “perfect.” These are good boobs. These are fantastic boobs. This is the boob that I would personally request were I asking Dr. Miami to move some of my stomach fat to my tits.
East West, pointing to the left and the right, wall-eyed, like the fish of the same name.
Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Do they point left and right but not straight forward? Do they look at all like this illustration, even on a good day? Congratulations, you have East West boobs, now do what you can to wrangle them into a brassiere lest they wonder off and try to find themselves.
Side Set, which, honestly, still looks pretty good to me.
So, your boobs can be literally any size or shape or dimension — they could have little faces on them that sing “I Wanna Be Down” — but as long as there’s enough space to drive a Mack truck through it, these are your boobs.
Asymmetric, or uneven, or just you know, literally everyone’s boobs.
WHO HAS BOOBS THAT ARE BOTH PERFECTLY THE SAME SIZE AND OTHERWISE PERFECT? WHO? FIND ME THOSE BOOBS, I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.
Bell Shape — you know, like the Liberty Bell! Or, regular bells? Or droopy boobs.
“Slimmer at the top, fuller at the bottom.” Or, pendulous. Or, just boobs that don’t look like boobs in any world. Maybe I need to look at more boobs, not entirely sure.
Slender, but aren’t these just small boobs?
Slender breasts are “thin,” but aren’t these just small boobs, full stop?
Tear Drop boobs are also just another phrase for really good boobs.
These are awesome boobs! This is a good boob shape.
Do you feel better about your boobs? Do you see your boobs up here? Is this just a thinly-veiled attempt at making you feel badly about your boobs so you can buy lingerie? Are you going to spend a lot of time in the mirror staring at your boobs when you get home from work to see if you’re even close to normal?
I assure you, your breasts are normal. Even if one looks like a tube socks full of frozen grapes and the other like a water balloon full of sand, your breasts are normal. They are beautiful. Don’t let the brassiere-industrial complex tell you otherwise.