13 Things That Might Have Fallen Out Of (And Back Into) Ted Cruz’s Mouth

Well, last night’s GOP debate set a new low, which no one thought was possible, but then again, no one probably ever considered the possibility that DICK SIZE would come up SOOOOO. Yeah. I’ll let Robyn recap that mess, but in the meantime, I need to discuss the question that has been plaguing me and many others since the moment it occurred — what the fuck WAS THAT WHITE THING that fell out of Ted Cruz’s mouth, hung out for a while on his lip and then slithered its way back into his repulsive maw? What the fresh hell was that? Animal, vegetable or mineral? Was it natural or synthetic? Flavorful or tasteless? I feel confident saying that it was a solid and not a liquid. It definitely originated in his mouth and not his nose, so a booger is out of the question. I studied the video for awhile and believe I have assembled a comprehensive list of all the possible things that nastiness coulda been.

  1. Dry spittle gone rogue
  2. Part of a decaying old tooth
  3. Stray piece of rice from a sushi roll
  4. Maggot egg
  5. Chunk of hardened mucus from the back of Ted’s throat
  6. A teeny tiny piece of paper that didn’t go down all the way when Ted swallowed his debate notes
  7. Fetal tissue purchased from Planned Parenthood (shout out to Sydney Leathers for this suggestion)
  8. Sunflower seed
  9. Cotija cheese
  10. A piece of tough cuticle meat
  11. OMG a tonsil stone
  12. Hardened plaque
  13. Dried coconut from a bag of trail mix

Okay, that’s all I got. Am I missing anything? Any other suggestions or solid conclusions?