The Best Oscars Drama Is The One Brewing Between Sam Smith and Dustin Lance Black

Last night, Sam Smith won an Oscar for Best Original Song for “Writing’s On The Wall”, the abomination of a theme song for the James Bond movie, Spectre. When Smith accepted his award, with co-writer Jimmy Napes, he made a boo-boo that could’ve easily been solved by a conversation with everbody’s favorite busybody, Mrs. Google.

“I read an article a few months ago by Sir Ian McKellen and he said that no openly gay man had ever won an Oscar…If this is the case, even if it isn’t the case, I want to dedicate this to the LGBT community all around the world. I stand here tonight as a proud gay man and I hope we can all stand as equals one day.”

Sadly, Sam Smith was wrong, as pointed out by a billion people on Twitter. Ian McKellen didn’t say that no openly gay man had ever won an Oscar, because that is decidedly untrue. He told the Guardian earlier this year that no openly gay man had won an Oscar for Best Actor, which is an entirely different kettle of fish. Anyway! Sam Smith said what he said, embraced his Oscar, stroked his beard and probably went to the Vanity Fair party and drank a lot of Champagne.

While he was doing all of that, Dustin Lance Black, Oscar winner, gay man and fiancé of one very attractive, smooth British diver, Tom Daley, corrected him.

“It may be time to stop texting my fiance.” SIR.

Smith, blissfully unaware of the screeches echoing through Oscars parties around the country, woke up to what I’m sure was a disaster.

Smith joins Black and a bunch of other nobodies who have won Oscars and are also openly gay like, you know, Joel Grey, Sir Elton John and Pedro Almodóvar. A kind soul took it upon themselves to inform Smith of his snafu.

When Mr. Smith was informed of a previous gay winner for best original song, he laughingly unleashed a couple of expletives and asked, “Who’s the other person?”

That would be the playwright and lyricist Howard Ashman, who — collaborating with Alan Menken — won Academy Awards in 1989 for “Under the Sea” (from “The Little Mermaid”) and in 1991 for “Beauty and the Beast,” from the film of the same name.

Said Mr. Smith: “I should know him. We should date.”

Alas, Mr. Ashman died at age 40 of complications from AIDS in 1991.

 Self-aggrandizement is not a good look, Sam!