At Cruz Rally, Phil Robertson Condemns Premarital Sex-Having Perverts, Gay People, Abortion, etc.

During a speech at a rally for Ted Cruz in South Carolina on Friday, Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty shared some thoughts on a variety of subjects, including gay people, abortion, keeping God in our country “as the founders intended,” and how people who have premarital sex are unclean perverts.

Naturally, he started off by explaining how the founders wanted us to live in a theocracy and warned us about abortion.

“When you start allowing men to determine what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is evil, you let men do it and they do not vet it through this book,” Robertson began, gesturing with his Bible. “Our founding fathers warned us over, and over, and over again, what you will end up doing is saying, ‘Well, I know it sounds like it may be a violation of commandment number six, do not murder, but we’re just going to go ahead and tell these ladies of America, American women, they can kill their children.”

That…was not a thing. I mean, Thomas Jefferson literally took god out of the Bible, and was a deist and a Unitarian, rather than an orthodox Christian. He also violated some commandments himself, given his propensity for raping his female slaves. And Alexander Hamilton died in a duel he presumably hoped to have won by killing Aaron Burr. Which, I imagine, would have been quite the violation of the sixth commandment.

Also, even if we did assume that the founders wanted this to be a theocracy in which we all were required to abide by the Ten Commandments (which they clearly did not do themselves)–there were a lot of things that the founders “intended” that really don’t work for us anymore. For instance, the founders “intended” for people to be allowed to own slaves. They certainly did not intend for women or black people to vote. Or poor people, for that matter, since only property-owning white men were allowed to vote. I think we can all agree that “what the Founders intended” is not really the end-all-be-all of what we should be doing as a country.

After extolling the virtues of theocracy for the purpose of controlling women’s bodies (as god intended), Robertson then went on to condemn “perversions” like gay sex and premarital sex.

“I know what God says about perversion. I mean, you know … marriage is between a man and a woman. Keep your sex right there,” Robertson said. “Here’s a report from the CDC, gentlemen. Young men, marry you a woman. Oh, dude, if she’s clean, and you’re clean, and you marry her … you keep your sex right there, you’re never going to get a debilitating disease and/or dead. It’s safe!”

Here’s a fun fact about Americans–only 5 percent of us make it to age 44 without ever having had premarital sex! And it’s been that way for a heck of a long time–since at least the 1950s. We, as a country, sure do love our premarital sex. Which, apparently makes us all perverts in the eyes of Phil Robertson and Ted Cruz. 

Clearly, Cruz’s choice to have Robertson stump for him shows that he is really in touch with the five percent of non-premarital-sex-havers and the ever-dwindling amount of people who are still really upset about gay people existing.

After hearing Robertson’s speech, Cruz came on stage and announced that he thought the reality star would be a great Ambassador to the United Nations. He then said, of Robertson:

“You know what? There is a reason why he terrifies the mainstream media. He says things you’re not supposed to say. He actually remembers who we are as Americans. He speaks it with a joy. Not with anger, not with hatred — with a joy.”

Ah yes, so very joyful! He’s just so cheerful about discriminating against gay people, telling women what they can do with their bodies, demanding we all obey the tenets of his personal religion, and calling 95% of us “unclean!” Perky, even! And so brave for saying the things you’re “not supposed to say”–like how he thinks black people were better off during Jim Crow, and that men should only marry women who are 15 or 16 years old! And there we are, the mainstream media, just being killers of joy. We ought to be ashamed of ourselves.