Obvious Dating Study Reveals Democrats Like To Smoke Weed, Republicans Like Guns

A recent survey by the dating app Clover questioned over 700,000 people between ages 18-67,  focusing on the different personal habits of Democrats vs Republicans and how those would potentially affect dating compatibility, and some very obvious correlations were discovered.

For example: Did you know that while Democrats are twice as likely as Republicans to smoke weed, Republicans are inversely twice as likely to own guns? It’s true! The stereotypes of the high-as-a-kite liberals smoking and fantasizing about soft socialism are rooted in as much truth as the caricatures of sweaty Conservatives brandishing their shiny, expensive guns.

In further confirmation of our culturally widespread theories, the polled Republicans were 200% more religious (this seems like a very semantically difficult trait to qualify) than their Left-of-center counterparts, while Democrats meet for coffee 17% more than Republicans, which I imagine is to counteract the mental haze of all the fat bongs we smoke.

What about musical tastes? Can we meet in the middle and get sweet lovin’ on to some hot bi-partisan tunes? Unsurprisingly polls revealed Republicans are 55% more likely to listen to Country music (which I imagine goes hand-in-hand with the gun percentage), while Democrats are 23% more likely to listen to hip-hop (since we’re rolling with stereotypes I’ll suggest a weed correlation here). So maybe make a mix-tape that features exclusively Bruce Springsteen and Aretha Franklin if you’re trying to tread some safe middle ground?

The juiciest and most important piece of information I gleaned from this lite-study is that while Democrats are 30% more likely to have casual sex (hell yeah), Republicans are 50% more likely to have sex outside? What?! Can we please dive into why this is?! If Republicans are 200% more religious and engaging in LESS casual sex, does this mean there is a great influx of Conservative married people getting it on in the woods? Or is the smaller percentage of casual sex they engage in largely consummated in hidden caverns out in God’s green earth?

Excuse me while I go make a “Neutral” mixtape, hide my rolling paper and coffee grounds and investigate this phenomenon further.