The Oscar Goody Bag Is So Ridiculous It Might Just Be Trolling Hollywood

Look, we know that we’re playing right into the hands of Distinctive Assets by writing about the ludicrous gifts the company puts together for Oscar nominees every year. We know it. But we can’t help it, mostly because the gifts themselves are practically trolling the nominees themselves. The vampire breast lift, which uses the same principles and technique as the vampire facelift (i.e. your own blood), is straight out of Brazil. That $250 vaporizer sounds like something Leonardo DiCaprio would pass out after The Revenant wrapped. There’s also a sex toy called a Fiera, but it’s not a vibrator like us plebes would use; you attach it to your clit to pre-game or, you know, just have that extra edge when you’re walking the red carpet. And then there are the big-ticket items, like the trip to Israel that clocks in at $55k. Seriously?!

Here’s hoping that the nominees’ family, friends, and loyal assistants will be receiving some pretty sweet gifts on the morning of February 29th.