Dolphins Are The Unchecked Soft Boys Of The Ocean

It seems that finally, after years — nay, centuries — of willful ignorance, human beings are finally recognizing that dolphins are a terroristic scourge. If the reports of their untoward sexual advances weren’t enough, let this tiny tidbit be the nail in the coffin: they’re really into Radiohead and have just discovered yoga.

According to Radar and the improbably named Willow Withy, a dolphin trainer and yoga instructor at Siegfried & Roy’s Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas(How, Sway?), dolphins completely lose their shit for the soft British mumbling of Thom Yorke.

“Our dolphins seem to really really resonate with Radiohead music, and especially the song ‘Lotus Flower.’ As soon as I put it on, they come up to the window and their play patterns become more fluid, friendly and they are curious about what is going on in the yoga room. They rub against the windows, walls, and express more sensory connection. It feels like mutually shared experience as they appreciate the yoga and the music together. I would say they are happy.”

The proof, as they say, is in the goddamn pudding. Dolphins are basically that gently bearded soft boy that lingers a little too close for comfort in line at the juice place after yoga. They’re the Matt McGorry of the ocean. Dolphins are terrible. Ban dolphins.