On Sad Ass Dudes Who Publish Serious Op-Eds Against Cunnilingus

Ah, cunnilingus, the great divider of the boys from the men within the heterosexual world! These boys look like men. They sound like men. They might even have 401Ks and good relationships with their mothers.

But, they are also the ones who think that sex works like it does in blockbuster movies, wherein women are always primed for penetration, and have screaming orgasms after a couple thrusts in missionary. They are also the ones who try to skull fuck you, while not being able to pick your vagina out of a lineup. They think that going down on a girl is like accidentally ordering a whole fish at a Chinese restaurant, but that sucking dick is like eating a lollipop from the Cracker Barrel gift shop. And thanks to horrific male rights activists sites, these boys found a place to publish their manifesto on the deadly risks of going down on women.

Noah Gulliver is a walking male tear who writes for EveryJoe.com, a website touting itself as “the ultimate boys club with…an inability to look away from car crashes, an affection for hot women, and a diehard patriotism for its favorite sports teams.” Trending articles at the top of their site have headlines like “These Porn Stars Look Hideous Without Makeup,” next to images of women who have red Microsoft Paint dots splattered on their cheeks, and a filter swirling their faces so one eye is bigger and her smile is crooked—you know the typical things women can definitely hide with a little makeup. I know I’m always trying to hide my one big eye.

Because I can already see the feverish fingers typing away in the comments “Only an evil troll feminist social justice warrior would go on an MRA site to look for things to get mad about. I thought women could only use the internet for finding recipes!,”– let me say that first of all, this article was recommended to me on Facebook by whatever unintuitive algorithms are running things around there, meaning that this woman-hating garbage is seeping into the minds of the less discerning via social media. Secondly, I’m sick of hearing from men that this kind of anti-female vitriol doesn’t really exist. And third, because we feminists deserve a good laugh, and this is a knee-slapper.

The most scientific and reasonable on Gulliver’s “9 Reasons Why a Man Should Never Go Down on a Woman,” is that men can orally contract HPV from cunnilingus, which can lead to throat cancer. Thanks to Michael Douglas alleging that he got cancer from slurping puss like he’s at an oyster bar, this is vaguely verifiable. What Gulliver omits is that men are hugely responsible for the spread of HPV in our dangerous vaginas in the first place, because thanks to our patriarchally influenced healthcare system, the CDC doesn’t recommend penile Pap tests, which are the only way to test men for HPV.

Moving on, Gulliver also thinks that if you go down on a woman you will get AIDS, and die. He thinks that you can also get an oral yeast infection, and die. He also thinks that because of the proximity of the vagina to the anus, you can get cholera, and die. (While he mentions nothing of the median distance between genital and asshole in men being shockingly similar.) And that rounds out the disease portion of his argument, so he can save some of the lines items for the real grim ideas.

He goes on to tackle mother nature’s role in all of this, explaining that clitoral stimulation is unnatural, because if a vagina was supposed to receive that much pleasure, the clitoris would have developed inside the vagina. He concludes that if you do give a woman clitoral stimulation, she will never want your dick again, because we straight women must be conned into fucking men.

Then he devolves into sheer sexist hell fire, asserting that men only go down on women to keep them from straying? Then this sentence happens, “If a woman falls in love with your tongue, it’s only a matter of time before she falls out of love with you.” Trust me, Gulliver, it’s very hard to find men who know how to give good head. We woman folk, when we’re not baking razor blades into pies, knitting beanies for koalas or deep within a Grey’s Anatomy chat room, know how to hold on to a man who goes down like a champ.

We’ll gloss over the part where he states that a man “getting on his knees” tarnishes his ability to be the dominant one in the relationship, because I can’t tackle antiquated heteronormative gender roles right now. Instead let’s get to my two favorite highlights for the sheer acrobatics in absurdity. Poor Gulliver thinks that the vagina is made from a cross between a sea sponge and a magic eraser, and thus soaks up all the sperm that is ever ejaculated into it—so he warns men that cunnilingus must surely be equated to drinking goblets of splooge.

Last but not least, and bless him for his ability to get from A to Y with the ease of a toddler learning the alphabet, he asserts that only a woman possesses the sacred knowledge of pleasuring the vagina, no matter how much some poor guy goes down with gusto. “Thus, if a woman truly loves oral sex she will end up in the arms of a lesbian. Think of cunnilingus as being comparable to marijuana and lesbianism being comparable to hardcore drugs such as heroin and crack. This gateway is to be avoided.” If we ignore the fact that he’s equating a whole sexuality with one singular sexual act, we can skip right to the part where he pretty much is suggesting that women are so overwhelmingly ruled by the desire to have someone tongue their snatch that they will become a lesbian for that reason alone. It’s like he’s been reading the bible or something.

In the end, maybe we should be thankful to Gulliver for making it easier to spot a boy from a man. Now when a boy shouts, “Ew, cholera!” when you ask him to go down, you can coyly say, “Oh, I love EveryJoe! Their work on women who have better butts than Kim Kardashian was inspirational!” And then leave a used tampon in their mailbox, as you exit the property to go find a man. A man who is not afraid to eat pussy. A man who thinks that oral sex should be separate but equal, except for the times when it is simultaneous and equal. A man who does not wince at things like “smell” and “taste,” because he recognizes that women are not Disney witches walking around with rotten fruit between our legs just waiting to lure an honorable prince to their death via oral sex.

Tags: cunnilingus, mras, Sex