Who Will Win The GOP Butt Caucus?

Ted Cruz might’ve won the Iowa Caucus last night, sure. But here’s the more pressing question: Who’s going to win the Butt Caucus?

Conservatives have been analyzing Hillary Clinton’s body and especially her rear end since her 2007 campaign, with the Daily Caller going so far as to run what they perceived to be her “symptoms” through WebMD and Breitbart analyzing her weight loss in the last few months. But if we’re going to talk asses in the 2016 election, we really need to talk about the GOP, because God knows every single last one of the GOP candidates is a huge ass.

So which GOP butt will win the Butt Caucus? Leave it to your intrepid analysts at The Frisky to decide.

ted cruz butt caucus
CREDIT: Getty

Ted Cruz

Rebecca Vipond Brink: Not a bad butt. I give it a 5/10.

Megan Reynolds: The suit and the attendant sheen of said suit really enhances what looks to be a pretty solid ass, but nothing to write home about. See that dark shadow, near the crease? That’s indicative of a pancake ass, probably flat and flabby and not as…lush as you’d expect given the shadows. This is a solidly average ass; it’s the ass of a middle school principal who plays a lot of golf and bought a Shake Weight once after one too many bourbons. I give it a 5.5/10.

Robyn Pennacchia: Ted Cruz has a melty-looking face–sort of like a Gingerbread Man who was taken out of the oven too soon or something–and it looks as though his face shares this quality with his ass. 1/10

donald trump butt caucus
CREDIT: Getty

Donald Trump (or tRUMP, get it???)

RVB: Extremely unnotable butt. It’s hard to even tell it’s there. It’s like he’s clenching it so hard that it’s receding into itself. 2/10.

MR: This is less a butt and more an asshole clenched tightly against a coming tide of chronic diarrhea, which, if you think about it, checks out. Maybe Donald Trump is a fucking lunatic because he has IBS. Regardless, the cut of his pants is such that you can’t even make out the butt itself, aside from those 2 strange mums in the upper left and right quadrant. What are those? Is that the vestigial remains of a tail? Is Donald Trump Baphomet? 3/10, only because I can’t tell if I’m looking at an ass or one of the world’s only existing portraits of Satan.

RP: I mainly see one weird bump in the top right area, which I actually think might be Trump’s fetal twin, which he tried to eat through his butt in the womb. This would explain his intense dislike of “losers”–being that both he and the fetal twin were losers in this scenario. 1/10

marco rubio butt caucus
CREDIT: Getty

Marco Rubio

RVB: Solid. 7/10. Also, I’ll have you know that there are more pictures of Marco Rubio’s butt than there are of any other GOP candidate’s butt. I appreciate Rubio not being butt-camera-shy.

MR: This is a good ass, sorry ‘bout it. It’s high. It’s toned. It’s not shy. Yes, it’s constrained in a pair of Jos A. Bank tropical weight navy wool trousers, but thats its prerogative. The ass doesn’t choose its vessel. Rubio’s unafraid of letting his ass show both literally and figuratively, and so his ass wins this round. 6.5/10.

RP: Everyone’s always trying to make Rubio out to be way less terrible than he is, just because he’s not necessarily someone you could picture on a street corner screaming about socialism. Sure, whatever, I guess his butt looks fine. IN PANTS. I have a feeling that, just like Rubio himself, whatever’s underneath it all is ugly as sin. 1/10

ben carson butt caucus
CREDIT: Getty

Ben Carson (or: C-arse-on, amirite??)

RVB: Ben Carson’s butt has some OK curvature. 6/10.

MR: +1 point for the cell phone holstered to his belt. +4 for the fact that, for an old man, his ass looks pretty okay. +.5 for the murky terror of the crease. Ben Carson is a crazy man who definitely should not be president, so there is that. But, his ass isn’t terrible. Do the math, I think that’s a 5.5/10.

RP: Taking Carson’s bizarre homophobic views–like how he thinks people choose to be gay because prison sex–into consideration, I think I’m gonna give him a 10/10, encouraging all straight fellas reading this blog to really stare at his ass for a long period of time and see if they can manage to suddenly develop a raging sexual interest in it.

rand paul butt caucus
CREDIT: Getty

Rand Paul

RVB: What is even going on here?! Why is his jacket laying so flat?! 1/10!

MR: Upon close inspection of this photograph, Rand Paul doesn’t have an ass. Or, he’s so pathologically afraid of revealing that he actually has a mouth that spews garbage where his ass should be that he wears larger pants and a terribly ill-fitting sport coat to conceal that fact. I feel like you could strip him bare and all you’d see is a strange, smooth expanse, like the anodyne emasculated plastic of a Ken doll’s front half, but in the back. .5/10.

RP: Having non-gross views about prison reform does not exclude Paul from having–or being–a terrible ass. 1/10

jeb bush butt caucus
CREDIT: Getty

Jeb Bush (or, Jeb Tush, eh? Eh??)

RVB: This picture looks weird because I had to kick the shadows up really high in order to see the actual butt-age. It seems like Jeb’s butt is short. Like, vertically short. And flat. I give Jeb a 0.28/10, which is exactly how well he polled in Iowa, too.

MR: Sorry, I’m pretty sure Jeb Bush has a good ass. It might be a short ass, but it’s a good one. It looks round and firm without being too terribly hard; you couldn’t bounce a quarter off it, but it would have a little give when you poked it. It’s a nice ass. It’s the only thing he has going for him, so, hey, I’ll throw you a bone, Jeb. 9/10

RP: Looks like every other ass in the race to me. 1/10

THE RESULTS

  1. Ben C-arse-on: 21.5/30
  2. Marco Rubio: 14.5/30
  3. Ted Cruz: 11.5/30
  4. Jeb! Tush: 10.28/30
  5. Donald tRUMP: 6/30
  6. Rand Paul: 2.5/10

Looks like Ben Carson has upset the forecasts to pull way ahead of Marco Rubio and take the GOP Butt Nomination. Congrats, Ben! Those hips don’t lie!