Ted Cruz Secures Crucial Holy Ghost Endorsement, According To His Daddy
Make room for the Holy Ghost–in the 2016 Presidential election! Because according to Rafael Cruz, the third person (or bird, usually it’s a bird) of the Holy Trinity has offered his son, Ted Cruz, it’s support in the coming election!
According to Cruz, Sr.– a Christian Reconstructionist and Dominionist who believes the United States should be a theocracy, and that both atheism and homosexuality will lead to rampant child sexual abuse, and that public education is part of a communist plot–the whole Cruz family prayed over whether or not Teddy Boy should run for Prez over a period of at least six months. Then, during a heated two-hour prayer sesh, the Holy Spirit stopped by to tell everyone that he should definitely for sure run for president.
“It was as if there was a presence of the Holy Spirit in the room and we all were at awe, and Ted, all that came out of his mouth, he said, ‘Here am I Lord, use me. Here am I Lord, I surrender to whatever Your will for my life is.’ And it was at that time that he felt a peace about running for president of the United States.”
There has yet to be any word about whether the other two facets of the Holy Trinity are endorsing Cruz. It’s likely that he will also secure support the God of the Old Testament–you know, the one who turned people into pillars of salt for turning around, was really into practical jokes like telling people to kill their own kids, and was violently opposed to mixed blend fabrics?
However, he might have a harder time with Jesus, who was well known to be a big supporter of both universal health care and feeding the poor.