Punxsutawney Phil Confirms Global Warming

Enslaved novelty rodent Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow this morning, which means that we are getting an early spring and also that global warming is way worse than 91% of Americans think.

“There is no shadow to be cast!,” announced Jeff Lundy, vice president of the Inner Circle of The Punxsutawney Groundhog Club (via AP). “An early spring is my forecast!”

Yes, the whole thing is based on German legend, and, yes, the top-hatted-men don’t even wait to see what Phil thinks and actually decide everything in advance. Still, this is definitive proof of the end of days. According to NPR, the temperature was set to get to 40 degrees in Pennsylvania today, and it’s 50 in New York right now, and if we are getting even warmer weather soon, we will truly not have had much winter at all.

Spring is great, but considering the rapid melting of the ice caps and that skinny polar bear and all that, this is probably not good. In conclusion, the future is gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last the rest of your life.