Elderly Residents Of Bucolic British Town Gun Down Terroristic Swans With Supersoakers

The bucolic village of Briscombe, England is under attack. Elderly residents of the Hope Mill Park area are living in fear, persecuted by a pair of elegant yet deadly swans who have finally decided to take back the land that was rightfully theirs. After years of peaceful coexistence, the swans have taken up the good fight and are coming for the residents.

“They’ve been attacking people, attacking cars, ruining the gardens and just making life miserable for us,” aggrieved resident Barbara Morse told SNWS TV.

The swans are especially aggressive during mating season, terrifying residents so much that they are afraid to leave their homes.


Look at how this bird comes for this old man, walking peacefully towards his car. Look at the aggression in its face. That swan is out for blood, and I’m pretty sure it’d do everything in its power to exact revenge. What would you do if faced with such a grievous scourge? Morse’s answer is the most elegant solution: Get the fuckers with water guns.

Swans are protected by royal law and actually harming them is a punishable offense, so actually killing them is out of the question and would also be a bad look, optics-wise. So, residents are reclaiming their turf via garden hose and Super Soaker, as nature intended. Birds, while fine to look at from a distance, are actually terrifying beasts whose relationship to dinosaurs is too apparent in their darting movements and their beady, awful eyes. I wouldn’t trust a swan as far as I could throw it, and neither should you.

“We want them moved to a safe location for both them and us,” Morse said. Best of luck!