Gird Your Loins Against The Blizzard And Stay Indoors Without Losing Your Mind

Hey, did you hear? I’m sure you heard. Did your mom call you? Hm, really, she should have, because buckle up and batten down the hatches there’s a goddamn blizzard coming. Its name is Jonas, like the singing brothers, and it’s going to ruin your weekend or at least make it very, very cozy.

If you live anywhere on the Eastern Seaboard, this is not news. You’ve tried to go to the grocery store and found it sold out of bread, as if the end times were here and now. But, you’ve also probably survived a snow storm once in your life, too. It’s a whole lot of nothing, really — snow and sleet and ice and rain and crap falling from the sky, amassing in piles that look pretty at first and devolve quickly into ugly, but it’s fun while it lasts.

Pretending that the world is ending and you have to buy every bottle of wine in the grocery store because you’ll be stuck in your house is fun, but I urge you to relax. Snow is snow. It happens every year! Let’s freak out when it doesn’t, okay?

If the weather gods are right and we are snowbound for the rest of the weekend, incapable of leaving to do much else but check to see if the liquor store is open, there are plenty of other ways to entertain yourself.

Read a book. Any book. Literally pick up a book and open it. 

Remember reading? It’s so fun! There’s a slim chance your power will go out, and you’ll be stuck in your home, reading by candlelight and that grey, diffuse light cast from a sky full of falling snow, which is just so romantic I can’t stand it.

I like short stories for a full day of reading, as they’re the kind of thing you can pick up and put down at will. Lucia Berlin’s A Manual For Cleaning Women is wonderful; the Complete Stories by Clarice Lispector is a little heavier, but just as rewarding. If the idea of picking out a new book and then reading it overwhelms you, get right the hell over that and just dive in. Here’s a good list of suggestions to get your started.

Get stoned and make Trumplings.

There’s nothing like high-quality marijuana and a good single-serving website to make hours and hours of being stuck in your home fly by. A Trumpling, for the record, is a dumpling with Donald Trump’s face on it. Here you go. You’re welcome.

Watch something edifying.

Everyone’s definition of “edifying” is different and I respect that. Maybe this means a marathon of HGTV’s beautiful train wreck, Fixer-Upper or some Ken Burns documentary that you keep scrolling past in your Netflix list. Or, maybe it’s this delightful and charming and snooty-enough documentary about New Yorker cartoonists. Yeah. It’s probably this and it’s on HBO, so go call your parents and get their login info, stat.

KonMari your life.
Ugh. So virtuous. So good. But, you’re stuck in the house anyway and you don’t want to go out there, so plop down on your bedroom floor and comb through your pajama pant drawer. Does any of it bring you joy? Probably not. What is joy, anyway? Honestly. What is it? Figure that out first.

Go outside.

It’s not that bad out there. Really, trust me. Well, maybe it is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not AS bad as you’re thinking, so go out! Put on all of your clothes — literally, all of them, please, thanks — and take a walk. Treasure this beauty now, while it’s happening. The streets will be quiet and snow falling is magical. Cherish it. Make a snow angel. Throw a snowball at a mailbox. Treat yourself.