On The Lies Women Tell Men In The Bedroom

Tiffanie Drayton | January 18, 2016 - 3:00 pm

As a 26 year-old woman who has had her fair share of sexual experiences, one thing I can say for certain is that I have matured into a lady that not only knows what she wants, but also is not afraid or shy to ask for it.  The other thing I will also admit is that I was not always this woman. In the past, I honestly had absolutely no idea what I wanted and I especially felt like I could not step on any male toes to demand it.

Somehow, my own sexual satisfaction was secondary to that of my male partners. I thought I was supposed to pretend to enjoy myself in an effort to not make sex “too complicated” or unenjoyable. My male partners had their limitations and — to not hurt their feelings or bruise their egos —I had to always pretend everything was all good.

And strangely enough, their limitations were also my limitations, since both parties had no clue about female anatomy or sexuality. In most of my sexual experiences, we just did whatever the heck we thought we were supposed to be doing. Our teachers —  porn or romantic movies, mostly — were awful teachers. Neither of us knew what the hell to do with my body, but one thing was certain: Whatever was being done, I was not supposed to complain about it.

As I got older, I learned more about my body and also how to assert myself. Sadly, I’ve also noticed then men have changed very little in their approach to sex. To some extent, women must take some responsibility for that. In our younger years, we lied. We moaned, groaned and smiled when we were bored or barely impressed in the sack. We claimed to like the things being done to our body that were, well, plain awful. We allowed some men to maintain a sense of pride and confidence in their grade-school level sex “game,” while others made the effort and had the guidance to make it to the pros. Women like myself failed our lovers of the past. And we also failed the women with whom they decided to have sex with in the future because we told dudes LIES.

I feel it’s my duty and responsibility to be up front about the lies I’ve told. So I’ve compiled this list of lies that I told to dudes about their sex in the past to clear the air and set things straight.

Lie 1: “Yes, of course I came.”
Truth: I’ve never had a damn orgasm with you because you don’t last long enough. 

If a man can only last 5 minutes , as most do on average, and he expects that you will have an orgasm from intercourse alone, he is an idiot. If you are allowing him to let you believe that will ever possibly happen, my lady friend, you are also an idiot. I’ve been that idiot; that’s why I can call it like it is. No matter how many times a lady has intercourse, for five minutes at a time, you are not going to come unless you also play with yourself or get oral. Don’t lie to him and have him believe otherwise, because he will maintain those expectations with his next partner.

Lie 2: “Size doesn’t matter”.
Truth: C’mon, let’s be real. Ya damn well know it does.

Women, contrary to popular belief, can be aroused visually. Long penises with a nice girth (especially nice thickness) that are rock hard are up there on the list of aesthetically pleasing visuals for women who like men. We daydream about them. Tell our friends about the nice ones we have encountered. (This, of course, is mostly only true if the penis is attached to a dude we like in the first place, so please keep your damn dick pics to yourself).

 This isn’t just about looks. Functionally, very tiny penises don’t really feel like much is happening. Sometimes, you think it’s in, but you have no idea. While you may feel like a blow-job pro with a dude on the smaller end of the penis-size spectrum, sometimes you just want to give the kind of oral sex where there is something to choke on. All of this not to say that a smaller penis can’t be worked with, but a man who has one should know he has one and should know how to work with it.

Lie: “I’d never want to have a threesome with two guys.”
Truth: Shit, make it 4 or 5.

As mentioned, the average man lasts 5 minutes on average. 4 or 5 dudes equals 20-30 minutes which is just about as much time as a lady needs to get off. Not to mention, more hands? Lips? Tongues? Maybe even more compliments? Count me in. Some women would never admit to wanting to have multiple partners, because, ya know, we aren’t supposed to have sexual fantasies or our own proclivities, given our culture’s widespread Madonna-whore complex. But many of us do.

Lie 4: “That’s squirt, not pee.”
Truth: I have no damn idea what that is.

The end. Case closed. I don’t know what the heck is happening when liquid gushes out of my vagina. Some women claim they do know and that they are coming when they “squirt”, but from my own personal experience, I couldn’t make that claim. So if a woman is gushing, don’t get all excited and claim that’s the best sexual experience you’ve ever had. You may just be pressuring her to keep the fact that she thinks she may have peed on you to herself.

Lie: “You are the best I’ve ever had.”
Truth: If you were, I wouldn’t even have to tell you.

If you were the best I’d ever have, here’s how you’d know. I’d be passed out panting somewhere after our sexual liaisons. I would also call you whenever I wanted sex, even if we weren’t in a relationship. If a man is truly the best a lady has ever had, he can push her sexual boundaries because she is always horny AF whenever they get together, so she is down to do more things. If a woman seems prude or unengaged, that means you aren’t the best, so don’t waste time digging for that compliment.

Lie: “I’ve only been with (x) number of guys.”
Truth: Well, what precisely do you mean by “been with?”

I don’t think any grown ass adult — especially not those coming of age in America’s hook-up culture— can really keep track of every single sexual encounter they have had to date. Especially not if we include the entire range of sexual expression (oral, hands, a bit of spanking? dry humping, sexual intercourse, ect). I mean, some can, most can’t, so let’s keep it 100 on that fact. Millennial ladies are certainly no virgins and we shouldn’t have to pretend to be one to make any dude feel better.

Lie 7: “Penetration is the best.”
Truth: Penetration is the least likely way to get women off.

Don’t get me wrong, there is something marvelous about penetration. It helps you feel connected to your partner in a way that other sex acts don’t, necessarily. However, it simply is just not the easiest way for women to get off . Don’t blame us, blame our maker.

Lie 8: “Ohhhhhh!! Yyyeaahhhh! Sooo Good!!”
Truth translation: “Hurry the hell up and come!”

Often times, us ladies are doing all of that moaning and screaming not necessarily because the sex is just that damn awesome, but because we want you to think that it is. Don’t believe me, fellas? Well, studies agree. After all, only 57% of women reach orgasm every time they have sex with their partner.