One Direction Is Breaking Up, Because Nothing Good Or Beautiful Or Precious Lasts Forever

Do you hear that sound? A low rumble, echoing across Twitter and Tumblr? That’s the keening of a billion One Directioners, rending their garments because One Direction is breaking up.

Us Weekly exclusively reports that the hiatus the group has been on since Zayn Malik’s split last March is actually just the end of a beautiful era. According to the source, “The 1D thing just ran its course. They’ll remain friends, but they are exhausted and want solo careers.”

Solo careers! I don’t know or care much about the rest of them, but I have a very clear vision of Harry becoming a bad boy hair stylist/makeup artist, like John Frieda with a dash of Dick Page because his face is one hundred percent beat every time he leaves the house, and I refuse to hear otherwise.

Seems fair. Seems right. Everything beautiful in this world must end, eventually. Godspeed and good night, you floppy-haired Brits.