Zayn, No! Think Before You Speak, Because That’s Not Very Nice

Former One Direction member and current arbiterzayn bi of the granny hair trend Zayn Malik is on the subject of a cover story at Billboard where he discusses his crazy life post-One Direction. We learn some things that one could glean from Twitter and this moody slice of a song that he teased months ago, but we also get to look at his face, so that helps. Zayn hates indie rock(same), loves eating his mom’s food(same) and came up on User, 2Pac and Biggie(same.) Also, he likes women. This is where he goes wrong. Zayn, angel. Zayn, no.

“I like girls that are a bit chunky in certain areas — the nice areas. I like a fuller woman.”

Ahhhh, Zayn! God.

“I enjoy an intellectual conversation as well, where someone can construct a sentence beyond what hair and makeup they’re wearing, and talk about something political or about the world. I like an opinion.”

Mmm. I see. Girls! Only useful when they’re chunky in the butt and also probably the breasts and when they can speak on more than just ombré and eyelash extensions. Must be hard to find a woman that’s just right for you, hmm, Zayn?

He also loves graffiti, sitting in his teepee and frequenting Fat Sal’s, a deli co-owned by Turtle from Entourage. And, just like that hot but unavailable guy you make steamy eye contact with on the subway every morning on your way to work, he only smokes sativa and graffitis his home. Somehow, I am not surprised.