Amy Schumer Levels Up And Acquires Perfect Carpenter Boyfriend

Amy Schumer went and found herself a man, a civilian man named Ben Hanisch, a 29-year old furniture designer, according to People. He even posted a picture of them on Instagram, happy and smiley and bundled up against the bitter Chicago cold, with a heartwarming caption to prove that this love, it is real.

Amy Schumer has leveled the fuck up and snagged a Carpenter Boyfriend. A Woodworker. A Man Who Is Very Good With His Hands, If You Get My Drift. As Alison P. Davis at The Cut rightfully points out, the carpenter boyfriend is the ideal boyfriend. This model of Carpenter Boyfriend is particularly special; there’s something sort of aw-shucks and charming about him. He’s from Chicago, for Christ’s sake, the home of overdressed hot dogs and comforting, flat vowels. No one wants a New York Carpenter Boyfriend. A Carpenter Boyfriend should come from the Midwest.  Just look at this dude. Here’s his dog:

Abbott!!! A photo posted by benhanisch (@benhanisch) on

Here’s a very nice and slightly vaginal conference table. Imagine a smaller version of this in your home. Imagine sitting around said table in dim candlelight, a hand resting on your Carpenter Boyfriend’s muscular knee as you smile and graciously accept compliments from friends on his behalf (he’s too modest to acknowledge them the way you’d like him to, anyway.)

Here is an 18ft conference table from a few weeks ago.

A photo posted by benhanisch (@benhanisch) on

So manly. A Carpenter Boyfriend doesn’t care about anything that happened on the internet today, because he was too busy fastening hairpin legs to the reclaimed wood desk he’s making for an architect’s West Village townhouse. He probably makes a very mean chili. Maybe he reads — Thoreau? The Corrections? —and maybe he noodles around on the guitar, a habit you wish he’d stop, but find yourself smiling, nodding when he plays “Stairway To Heaven” because it reminds you of smoking weed in your parents’ backyard when you were 17. When you trip over the pile of books and old sweaters near your desk and curse, you find a shelving unit in its place, shiny and smelling fairly of cedar.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Go get a Carpenter Boyfriend today.