New Year’s Resolution Recommendations Based On Your Facebook Posts

That little red indication that you have a Facebook notification is a very addicting thing. A rush of dopamine is released and so we temporarily feel love and attention although most of the time it’s an invitation to an event you have no interest in attending or it’s a reminder that it’s someone’s birthday whom you haven’t spoken to in years.

Sometimes a notification is exactly what you want it to be: that certain someone likes your photo, or somebody you think is funny liked the joke you made. I’ll admit it; I love the game of Facebook. I play every day. Being that I spend a lot of time on it, I have a few suggestions for what your New Years resolutions should be based on your posts.

The frequent selfie-er.
The only acceptable selfie situations I can think of are if you are at a concert/sporting event or you got a new haircut. Otherwise the subtext of a straight-up selfie seems to be “DO YOU LIKE MY FACE? YOU STILL LIKE MY FACE, RIGHT?” Which would be crazy behavior if you did that IRL, so please spare us online.
Resolution: Focus on being in the moment and liking your own face.

The constant complainer.
Every single one of us has a reason to complain right now, this very instant. Unless it will make us laugh, I don’t see the sense in posting a complaint on Facebook. Bringing awareness to an issue is different; I’m talking about people who post statuses like “this day is the worst.”
Resolution: Work on seeing the glass as half full instead of posting a picture of the glass with some complain-y caption like “Oh no, my milk’s almost gone!” Your trivial complaints are boring.

The “vague-booker”
Vague-booking is term coined to define people who post vague statements like “not again” or as I previously mentioned, “this day couldn’t get any worse.” These people should work on being more direct in the New Year. Being vague on Facebook is a trick to see who shows up to ask “what’s wrong?” or “how can I help?” These are usually empty concerns from people who are bored or want to sleep with you.
Resolution: Realize who truly cares about you and reach out to them when you need to talk to somebody.

The quick to “me too!”
These people will repost articles they haven’t even fully read yet just because the subject is trending and they want to be a part of the conversation. This year they should vow to read more. Be informed before you take a side or make a bold statement.
Resolution: See the movie before you form an opinion on it.

Pictures/posts from the gym.
Chill out. Working out is supposed to be an individual experience for you to better yourself. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be proud and post your weight loss photos, but we don’t need to know that you’ve checked in at the gym. Unless you’re recommending a particular class or making a joke of the situation I don’t need to know that you’re currently at Planet Fitness.
Resolution: Work out for you.

The partier.
You wore a cute dress and you feel like not enough people were at the party to see it so you post a photo. I get that, in moderation. When I see posts of partying night after night I suspect that perhaps these nights are far too frequent.
Resolution: Go out for the sake of going out and not the drunk pictures you’re going to post. In some situations, you may want to try quitting partying all together and see what else you’re about. Also, make sure you’re at work on time!

The frequent “I love my boyfriend/girlfriend!” posts.
Ease up there, lover. Nobody likes excessive PDA and we certainly don’t like gushy posts and pictures of you both making out. Of course we’re happy that you’re happy. Posting here and there about each other signifies that you are, but we don’t need to be reminded of your burning love for each other every day and we certainly don’t need to see what you look like when you’re giving tongue.
Resolution: Keep your private moments private. Prove to each other that you love one another; you don’t need to prove anything to us.

Basically, I would like everyone to treat Facebook posts like you’re talking to a friend. I mean, that’s technically what it is–it’s you addressing all of your “friends.” You wouldn’t ask your friends in real life if they like your face or tell them how many times you went to the gym that week or kiss your boyfriend right in front of them. Or maybe you would? Whatever, it’s only Facebook, live your life!