10 Movie Pussies Who Can Totally Handle The Revenant

Film critic and friend to cats everywhere, Peter Travers, is warning what he calls “movie pussies” not to see The Revenant. It is much too brutal for them, Travers asserts: Not only did “Life put the screws to Hugh Glass, the real-life tracker and fur trapper played to the hilt and beyond by Leonardo DiCaprio,” the film’s director, Alejandro Iñárritu, “damn near tortures his cast and his audience in telling the story of Glass’ revenge against the varmints.” “It’s one brutal, badass epic,” Travers warns the pussies.

Selfless (and definitely-not-compensating-for-being-a-film-critic-and-not-a-frontiersman) as his service to felines every may be, I have to disagree with Travers. Plenty of movie pussies have the cojones to handle The Revenant without breaking down into anxious, fur-shedding piles of particularly smelly excrement. Here are just ten of them:

bleeker
CREDIT: Slashfilm

Bleeker, Gone Girl
I think we all know Bleeker was the one who really set Nick up – he was just blackmailing Amy into taking credit for it.

mr bigglesworth
CREDIT: Virgin Media

Mr. Bigglesworth, Austin Powers
That cat has been cryogenically frozen multiple times and he hangs out with the most annoying villain in the universe. I think he can handle a movie with a bear attack scene.

sassy
CREDIT: Cinema Cats

Sassy, Homeward Bound
Sassy traversed mountains and valleys and rivers and almost drowned. If such a thing as a frontier movie pussy exists, it’s Sassy.

Blofeld’s Cat, various James Bond films
Look at that cat’s face! You know it’s been scheming with Blofeld!

garfield

Garfield, Garfield
Nothing fazes Garfield. Garfield would not be intimidated by a movie. He’d be the guy in the theatre talking the whole time about how it wasn’t believable, and where’s his lasagna, anyway?

church

Winston Churchill, Pet Sematary
Church is a mother-effing zombie. You think Church cares about movie brutality? Church was an accomplice to Jud’s murder. Church has more badass in one claw than Hugh Glass had in his whole body.

Crookshanks, various Harry Potter films
Crookshanks, if you didn’t know, is half-Kneazle (Kneazles being magical cats). Crookshanks lived through the Wizarding War. Travers doesn’t even know what Crookshanks has seen.

cheshire cat
CREDIT: Comic Vine

The Cheshire Cat, Alice in Wonderland
Clearly too tripped out on acid to care.

Lucifer
CREDIT: Parody Wikia

Lucifer, Cinderella
Lucifer will watch whatever movies he damn well pleases, thanks.

puss in boots
CREDIT: Comic Vine

Puss In Boots, Shrek 2
Puss kills ogres for a living. He can bipedal (is that a verb?) and he fights with a sword. I think he’ll be OK watching The Revenant.

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