25 Christmas Ornaments, Ranked
It’s that time of year again! (Lord, cliches get rough around the holidays, don’t they?) Since the year is wrapping up, everything’s getting ranked. I’m not quite ready to think about the year-end, though, so instead I’m using my status as a Certified Christmas Ornament Specialist* to provide you with an extremely informative, definitive ranking of Christmas ornaments.
1. Multi-Colored Glass Balls: Your foundational Christmas ornament.
2. Candy Canes: Because they’re candy.
3. This Miley Cyrus or Rocky Horror Ornament, Your Choice
4. Ornaments Shaped Like Woodland Creatures: Adorable without rabidity.
5. Teardrop-Shaped, Striped Glass Ornaments: Prettier than glass balls but harder to hang.
6. Clothespin Toy Soldiers: Who even has these anymore? Why did they go out of style?
7. Ornaments That Are Dolls Made Out of Pinecones: They’re so cute with their little faces and pinecone bodies!
8. Something You Made With Clay As A Toddler and Now You Have to Hang It On the Bottom of the Tree Because Otherwise It’ll Pull the Whole Damn Thing Down
9. Ornaments That Are Variations On the Theme of Santa Claus: It’s like you’re trying to flatter your way into gifts.
10. Ornaments That Look Like Your Pet: Unlike Santa Claus, they give you unconditional gifts, ergo they deserve to be flattered.
11. Construction Paper Nativity You Made In Art Class When You Were Five: Thirty years later it will be flattened but mainly intact.
12. Adorable Cloth Ornaments: Mainly because they’re soft.
13. Cookie-Cutter Ornaments: For when you want to put effort into a crafty ornament, but not too much effort.
14. Origami Ornaments: For when you don’t want to put effort into a crafty ornament.
15. Any Ornament Based On a Pinterest DIY: For when you want to torture yourself making a crafty ornament, just to have it turn out looking only half as good as you’d hoped.
16. Pickle-Shaped Ornaments: I know there’s a story here, but I never retained it.
17. Bells: They’re just all right.
18. Flower Balls: Mainly just there to take up room.
19. Potpourri Ornaments: Usually a gift (from someone who’d like your house to smell more like theirs).
20. This Ornament Of Sperms Trying to Impregnate A Glass Ball, Mistakenly Thinking It’s An Egg:
21. Plastic Gold-Colored Instruments: The ornaments you buy when you’re broke.
22. Ornaments Shaped Like Candy Canes That Are Not In Fact Candy Canes: Ranked low for deception reasons.
23. Twelve Days of Christmas Collectible Ornaments: Please don’t tell your mom I think these things are tacky, I’m sure her tree is lovely.
24. Generic Plastic Ornaments, Any Shape: Like glass ornaments, but minus the beautiful glassy sheen and plus a seam!
25. Your Ex’s Ornaments: Just throw them in the trash already.
*Not actually certified to do anything, including CPR. Don’t trust me with your ornaments or your life.