25 Christmas Ornaments, Ranked

It’s that time of year again! (Lord, cliches get rough around the holidays, don’t they?) Since the year is wrapping up, everything’s getting ranked. I’m not quite ready to think about the year-end, though, so instead I’m using my status as a Certified Christmas Ornament Specialist* to provide you with an extremely informative, definitive ranking of Christmas ornaments. 

1. Multi-Colored Glass Balls: Your foundational Christmas ornament.

01 glass balls

2.  Candy Canes:  Because they’re candy.

04 candy canes

3. This Miley Cyrus or Rocky Horror Ornament, Your Choice

10 miley cyrus ornament

4. Ornaments Shaped Like Woodland Creatures: Adorable without rabidity.

25 woodland creature ornament

5. Teardrop-Shaped, Striped Glass Ornaments: Prettier than glass balls but harder to hang.

03 long glass ornaments

6. Clothespin Toy Soldiers: Who even has these anymore? Why did they go out of style?

05 clothespin toy soldiers

7. Ornaments That Are Dolls Made Out of Pinecones: They’re so cute with their little faces and pinecone bodies!

18 pinecone doll ornaments

8. Something You Made With Clay As A Toddler and Now You Have to Hang It On the Bottom of the Tree Because Otherwise It’ll Pull the Whole Damn Thing Down

06 ugly clay ornament

9. Ornaments That Are Variations On the Theme of Santa Claus: It’s like you’re trying to flatter your way into gifts.

14 any variation on santa claus

10. Ornaments That Look Like Your Pet: Unlike Santa Claus, they give you unconditional gifts, ergo they deserve to be flattered.

21 pet ornament

11. Construction Paper Nativity You Made In Art Class When You Were Five: Thirty years later it will be flattened but mainly intact.

07 construction paper nativity

12. Adorable Cloth Ornaments: Mainly because they’re soft.

09 adorable cloth ornaments

13. Cookie-Cutter Ornaments: For when you want to put effort into a crafty ornament, but not too much effort.

19 cookie cutter ornaments

14. Origami Ornaments: For when you don’t want to put effort into a crafty ornament.

12 origami ornaments

15. Any Ornament Based On a Pinterest DIY: For when you want to torture yourself making a crafty ornament, just to have it turn out looking only half as good as you’d hoped.

08 pinterest ornament

16. Pickle-Shaped Ornaments: I know there’s a story here, but I never retained it.

20 pickle ornament

17. Bells: They’re just all right.

13 bells

18. Flower Balls: Mainly just there to take up room.

15 flower ball

19. Potpourri Ornaments: Usually a gift (from someone who’d like your house to smell more like theirs).

16 potpourri ornament

20. This Ornament Of Sperms Trying to Impregnate A Glass Ball, Mistakenly Thinking It’s An Egg:

23 sperm ornament

21. Plastic Gold-Colored Instruments: The ornaments you buy when you’re broke.

11 plastic instrument ornaments

22. Ornaments Shaped Like Candy Canes That Are Not In Fact Candy Canes: Ranked low for deception reasons.

24 fake candy canes

23. Twelve Days of Christmas Collectible Ornaments: Please don’t tell your mom I think these things are tacky, I’m sure her tree is lovely.

02 12 days of christmas

24. Generic Plastic Ornaments, Any Shape: Like glass ornaments, but minus the beautiful glassy sheen and plus a seam!

17 plastic ornaments

25. Your Ex’s Ornaments: Just throw them in the trash already.

22 your exs ornaments

*Not actually certified to do anything, including CPR. Don’t trust me with your ornaments or your life.

Send me a line at [email protected].