Gift Guide: For Your Feline Overlord

It seemed like a good idea at the time. She looked so small and sad in that cage at Animal Care and Control, her little yellow eyes all sleepy from being knocked out to do the surgery. Your little kitten. You took her home in a cardboard box and she only meowed a little — it was more like a squeak, actually. The two of you would be best friends. Flash forward three years and she awakens you with a meow that’s more like a scream, every morning, at 6:30 a.m. sharp. She is your furious feline princess, and she’s the boss. So what do you get her for Christmas? Well, after she scales your tree and eats all the honey baked ham? Everything. 

SHARK BED

Shark Cat Bed: You know those cat “teepees” that are so popular on Instagram? The one your friend calls her cat’s “yurt?” Well, those are totally racist and you shouldn’t buy them. What you should buy, though, is this cat bed that looks like a shark, so your little feline angel can re-enact Rihanna’s Harper’s Bazaar cover while hiding from the evil vacuum monster. [Shark Cat Bed, $28.88]

 

KITTY JOINTS

Kitty Joints 3-Pack: Do I really have to tell you why you need this three pack of joints for your cat? They probably won’t make her stop yelling at you, meaning you won’t be able to stop smoking joints of your own to get a little mental peace and quiet, but your little one will look hella funny bunny-kicking a spliff with that signature look of pure madness in her eyes. [Kitty Joints 3-Pac, $9.75]

CAT TAMPON

Bloody Tampon Cat Toy: This is weird as hell and I don’t think I would actually want it in my house, but it’s also hilarious, so fuck it! Give it to your cat along with a ‘Male Tears’ water bowl you hand paint for her at one of those Color Me Mine places where you can drink wine. [Bloody Tampon Cat Toy, $15.00]

CAT SWEATER

Crocheted Cat Elf Sweater and Hat: Is there anything better than an angry cat in people-clothes? My mom thinks my love of dressing up my little monster in heineous accessories is cruel and unusual, but I consider it payback for all the meowing I’ve endured. Make yourself giggle, you know you want to. [Crocheted Cat Elf Sweater and Hat, $26.00]

CAT THUNDERSHIRT

Cat Thundershirt: This is more a gift for you than for your cat. Thundershirts really work. Something about the feeling of being constantly squeezed makes animals into sweet little angels. Do yourself a favor. [Cat Thundershirt$39.95]

CAT HAIR BOOK

Crafting with Cat Hair by Kaori Tsutaya: I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for even bringing this fucked up book into your life. But c’mon, if there’s one thing you have en masse, it’s tumbleweeds of cat hair rolling through your apartment, so you might as use them for something totally fucked up and weird. [Crafting With Cat Hair by Kaori Tsutaya, $9.96]

CAT BOW TIE

Cat Bow Tie: Picked this mostly for the name of the company, because bad puns make me laugh and Business CATual is about as bad a pun as they come. If your feline buddy likes to put on the ritz and get fancy, well, don’t stand between a lady and her diamond dreams. [Cat Bow Tie, $10]

 

CAT CARRIER

U-Pet Bubble Carrier: Okay, so they also make one that looks like a space ship (kind of) but it’s so ugly I can’t in good conscience recommend it. The Crossbody A-series is not as hideous and is actually kind of cool, and allows your traveling buddy to see out into the world. I have no idea if a cat would want to see the world, but might as well give them the option, right? [U-Pet Bubble Carrier, $99]

CARDBOARD BOX

A Cardboard Box: Your cat will like this more than any of the other shit on this list. Truth hurts. [Cardboard box, free from your local wine store]