Get Drunk Off Your Tears At This Workshop, Literally

Have you ever had the dramatic desire to bottle your cry-sessions and literally get intoxicated off your own melancholy? After a long day of frustration and sexism, have you ever vividly imagined filling a large mug with male tears and slurping them while blasting L7’s “The Masses Are Asses”?

If so, now is the time to bring your crying dreams into reality. The London venue Alcoholic Architecture will be hosting a one-off seminar created by Bombas & Parr, in which participants can learn how to turn their bitter tears in alcoholic bitters.

No stranger to conceptually creative projects, Bombas and Parr has in the past created a boob-themed bouncy castle, host a multi-sensory fireworks display that launched¬† fruity scents into the crowd, and built Alcoholic Architecture itself, which is a bar that features breathable alcohol. If anyone is to be trusted to master the science of drinkable tears, it’s them.

How, you may ask, will the tears be extracted? Even those of us who cry deeply and often normally don’t produce large volumes of tears, and even so — how do you guarantee you’ll conjure tears during the seminar?

Have no fear, the project visionaries have already thought this through, and intend to draw participants’ tears through a combination of menthol, massage, and classical music. I’d personally suggest they add the scene in “Air Bud” where Josh throws the basketball and yells, “GO ON BUDDY, GO!” Because that one always gets me wet in the face.

Once your tears are successfully extracted (assuming the methods work on you), the tears are then pasteurized and tinctured in high-proof alcohol. Each tear-mixologist then gets to choose from a variety of herbs and spices, with which they can spice up their personal bitters. At the end of the seminar each person leaves with two small bottles of tear bitters, and three suggested drink recipes. The seminar also includes a jewelry-making portion, in which you can transform your own hair into a DIY murder-style necklace gift for your mom or significant other.

If I had the money to fly myself to London for this, I’d be there in a heartbeat, weeping and perusing spices.¬†[Bustle]