People Naming Their Babies After Instagram Filters Is The Latest Sign Of The Apocalypse
Parents: naming babies is hard! You want to give your spawn the right name, something that will lead them to success and glory and fame. It should be strong and classic, something that says “My parents really like kombucha and Kinfolk but also respect me enough to give me a name that doesn’t look dumb on a resumé.”
Where does one turn? When your precious angel will be adrift in a sea of Alices and Janes and Theodosias, what source of inspiration will you turn to? How about Instagram? You love Instagram. And these names! So clever, so unique, so different. This, clearly, is the thinking of a wid variety of human beings on this planet, because BabyCenter reports that a lot of parents are naming their kids after goddamn Instagram filters.
Many of Instagram’s filter names are gaining in popularity as baby names including Lux (up 75 percent since 2014), Ludwig (up 42 percent), Amaro (up 26 percent), Reyes (up 10 percent), Hudson (up 4 percent), and Kelvin (up 3 percent) for boys. Additionally, Valencia (up 26 percent), Juno (up 30 percent), and Willow (up 13 percent) are on the rise for girls.
Maybe this is the end times, or maybe we’ve actually just run out of names to name our children. God forbid your tiny baby be one of three Valencias. Take it to the limit, guys. Here are some baby names I’ve been workshopping for my spawn-to-be: Myspace Reynolds. Napster Reynolds. Klout Reynolds. Google Drive Reynolds. Tweetdeck Reynolds. Subtweet Fave Reynolds.
Stare at any of these for long enough, and they almost look like real names. The horsemen of the apocalypse are drawing nigh. Ready yourselves.