Gift Guide: For The Broke-But-Aspiring Gwyneth

Perfection, even perfect simplicity, is expensive as hell. Your friend, the one who seems like a lifestyle tycoon in the making? She’s struggling. There are ways you can help her out, though. You can ease the pain of buying her entire wardrobe at Everlane — affordable in comparison to Lanvin, but still not so affordable– with the perfect weird sweatshirt. You can remind her that even Gwyneth lets loose occasionally (cigarettes, martinis, and pizza are reportedly all on her list), or you can further her quest for domestic dominance. The holidays are the prime season for the junior Gwyneth, and you can help ease some of her expertly hidden existential and financial anguish with just the right Goop-y gift.

Forever 21 Pebbled Metelasse Pullover, $22.90

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How can you tell something is fancy? If it’s something that shouldn’t be fancy in an unassuming neutral with a slightly weird texture. Furry cardigans are too obvious — then you just look like a rich abominable snowman. A sweatshirt, however … is perfect. It’s like gym class, if gym class was in Paris.

Single Pack of American Spirits (price varies)

A pack of American Spirit cigarettes.

Gwyneth allows herself one light American Spirit per week, “on a Saturday,” so your friend can too.

Swell Water bottle ,$35

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That one cigarette comes at a price, though, and that price is the Tracey Anderson Method. While you’re not going to be paying for her monthly membership (and we all know she’s doing barre method on Class Pass, c’mon), you can make her workouts a little GOOPier with this overpriced, but lovely, water bottle.

Faux Fur Throw, orig. $78, on-sale $59

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Nothing gives an Ikea couch that English country manor vibe like a furry blanket. It’s understated (and beige!) and will keep your friend warm when they shut off her heat.

Frozen Roberta’s Pizza , $9.99

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Gwyneth reportedly has a professional pizza oven in her LA backyard, which is pretty cute. For the rest of us, there’s the regular oven, and Fresh Direct (or Whole Foods), where you can buy a frozen pizza from Roberta’s. If the fresh stuff is good enough for Jay-Z, the frozen version is good enough for us.

3 Piece Bar Cocktail Shaker Set, $12.25

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I was once told that “GP loves a martini,” by someone I can’t quote so you’ll just have to believe me.

Murchinson-Hume Sunday in Santa Monica Candle, $40

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I smelled this candle at the GOOP MRKT holiday pop-up recently, and it really does smell like a Sunday in Santa Monica. It’s salty with just a tiny hint of Coppertone, which I learned recently is actually a chemical scent intended to mimic the smell of salt water.

Himalayan Salt Lamp, $34

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Cleanses bad energy, and it’s cute! Gwyneth balances the materialistic and spiritual elements of “the good life” like a tasteful-consumption Philippe Petit, and items that do double duty as vibe-cleansing objet are one of the keys to that tightrope-walk.

Marble iPhone, $20

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You just know Gwynnie’s kitchen is a flawless, gleaming, marble palace. Your friend’s apartment, not so much, but this is a start.

West Elm Brass Wishbone, $19

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This has no real purpose but would look expensive on a coffee table.