Here Are Three GOP Hopefuls Practicing Their Very Important Turkey Pardoning Skills

Arguably, one of President Obama’s most important duties as leader of this great nation is the bizarre and non-sensical tradition of pardoning a turkey every Thanksgiving. The history of this tradition is just as strange as the act itself. It’s put on by the National Turkey Federation and the birds are shepherded from their farm to the White House in a fake motorcade with fake Secret Service agents for a ceremony that still, to this day, makes little to no sense.

And in yet another baffling move, presidential hopefuls Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina and Marco Rubio have decided to practice their pardoning skills in this video put out by, a right-leaning online publication, in an attempt to endear these weird, stilted robots to the American people.

Rubio approaches this strange gag as a stump speech, attempting to show just how presidential he can be, as the turkey flaps its wings in irritation, its feet held firmly in place by a pair of disembodied hands poking through what can only be described as the part of a massage chair where you put your face, covered in a black cloth.

Fiorina attempts to show her soft side. “I think you’re so beautiful, you should be pardoned,” she coos to an agitated turkey that vainly beats its wings in an attempt at flight. Later, she tells Jenny — a name of her choosing, as no one else named the turkey — that she should live to find her tom, to make other turkeys that will have the privilege (?) of being slaughtered and consumed next year.

Then, Carson does what he does best, which is say a lot of words that don’t make sense. “I’m pardoning it for being ugly,” he says.

Rubio waves his hand over the turkey in a half-hearted sign of the cross as a pardon. I’m surprised Fiorina hasn’t worked herself up to tears. And Carson sadly conflates the act of pardoning an animal (that will die anyway) with marriage, and says, “I now pronounce you … pardoned, turkey. Are you happy?”

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