We Need To Talk About Gwyneth Paltrow’s Fancy Butt Wipes

About how much, on average, do you think you spend on toilet paper during a nine month period? I did some calculating and figure that I probably flush about, oh, 105 rolls of used TP in nine months, and at a price of $1 per roll, that’s $105. This is assuming, by the way, that I’m buying the good two-ply toilet paper in the four-pack, not individual roles of single-ply at the deli. Now, guess how much Gwyneth Paltrow spends to wipe her ass? Just her ass — not her kids’ asses, or Chris Martin’s ass, or Beyonce’s ass, just hers. JUST GUESS!!!









Well, you’re wrong! I know you’re wrong because there’s no way any of you guessed $956 (that’s NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIX AMERICAN DOLLARS) because that would be absurd even for Gwyneth Paltrow! But I’m serious, and she even recommends that you pay $956 for fancy toilet paper to wipe your “friend who has everything”‘s ass in her GOOP gift guide.


What exactly is so special about what this shit, er, does when Goopy makes a poopy? AHEM:

JOSEPH’S Toiletries is the most soothing and absorbent toilet paper in the world. Each individual sheet is a multi-layered microcosm of form and function constructed with comfort and cleanliness in mind. Tender virgin new-growth fibres are refined with a provitamin B5 and essential mineral coating to provide maximum skin protection even in dry use. The dendritic structure of the inner core provides optimal absorption while the outer layers act as moisture barrier for wet use. The ultra-gentle quilted surface provides profound softness.

PROFOUND. MICROCOSM. TENDER VIRGIN. (Ack, wait, I am uncomfortable with the term “tender virgin” so close to my vagina, thanks.) I have no idea what any of this means, but they basically sound like thick wet wipes that come in a box with gold trim and cost as much as many people’s monthly rent. Are rich people so bored that they spend time and effort considering how to make wiping their ass more luxurious? Guess so! [Joseph’s via GOOP]