Ketchup Leather Exists, Confirming Hell Is Real

I’m a sauce and condiment enthusiast. A pizza will be forgiven all its inequities if it has the proper amount of delicious sauce. So when I hear news of a sauce or condiment being maimed or tarnished in any way, it brings me great pains and sends me on a justified but slightly irrational spiral of anger and sadness.

With this in mind, you can imagine my emotional state when I heard about the newly invented Leather Ketchup, which is exactly what it sounds like: ketchup dried into a fruit leather consistency. Before I dispel more tears onto this keyboard, I’ll say that I give the inventor of this product a TOP GRADE in creativity and problem-solving, I just think it’s not a problem that needs to be solved.

It was LA based Ernesto Uchimura, the lead chef for the Plan Check restaurants who conceived of this creative and terrifying invention. He was trying to find an efficient way to serve burgers free of the risk of “soggy bun,” an affliction I understand all too well, and applaud him for fighting against.

But, the problem is — ketchup doesn’t actually taste good enough in the first place to preserve that way. The whole allure of ketchup lies in its saucy texture, the ability to create disgusting and sloppy pools of it in which you can dip your french fries, or immerse your burger, or onion rings, or whatever compatible snack you have on hand! When it comes to sauce flavors, ketchup is subpar at best, which for me translates to it’s value lying in the experience and consistency of ketchup, not it’s flavorful addition.

What I’m saying is: THE WHOLE REASON FRUIT LEATHER WORKS IS BECAUSE IT’S PURE FRUIT, NOT A WHOLE CONDIMENT!

Again, this is not an attack against Ernesto himself, but the idea itself of ketchup leather. If I were to dine at his restaurant I would prefer to eating a dripping wet burger with a spoon to one bite of dried, congealed ketchup. You know how those crusted bits of ketchup that get stuck on the bottle? YEAH, EVEN ERNESTO HIMSELF SAID THE KETCHUP LEATHER SLIGHTLY RESEMBLES THAT. NO, NO NO!

Okay, I got it out of my system. We can all carry on now.

[CBC]