Latest Study Links Coffee With Everlasting Life And Having An Attractive Personality

In the latest of a slew of life-affirming studies on the benefits of coffee, new data has emerged confirming that drinking coffee is linked with a longer life-span, lower rates of depression, and being healthier and more physically fit in general, to which I say: FUCK YES. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I personally seek out these studies, the glowing data that confirms that habits I already engage are actually beneficial (for this same reason, I never seek out articles detailing the health effects of copious beer drinking). Rather than scrambling to read the counter-articles warning of the possible downsides of caffeine, I instead choose to bask in this gorgeous confirmation of superiority and encourage all you other, nearly-immortal and extremely charismatic coffee drinkers to do the same.

As you read this from your throne of good health, you may be thinking: “I know I am making fantastic decisions everyday when I buttchug 18 shots of espresso and pepper my skin with loose coffee grounds, but exactly HOW is that coffee making me better, faster, and stronger than my enemies in the long run?”

Well, besides the obvious effects of caffeine, which transforms your blood into the dancers from 80s aerobic videos, and makes you able to type: “LOL, I LOVE THAT GIF,” at 8 times the rate of your uncaffeinated baseline, coffee also contains lignans and chlorogenic acid, which reduce inflammation, regulate blood sugar, and therefore lower your risk of heart disease.

With other lifestyle habits taken into account and necessary control factors having been implemented, coffee is consistently linked with maintaining a healthier weight (it speeds up that metabolism, baby), and social confidence. Feeling insecure and sluggish? Brew up some Joe, and go seduce someone!

You likely already knew this, because you are a shining bastion of health and goodwill, but coffee has been linked to lower rates of suicide as well. Data showed that people who regularly drank more than one cup of coffee a day had 20-36 percent less likely to commit suicide, compared to people who drank less than one cup a day. The circle of reasoning with this benefit is inconclusive, as to whether the temporary boost of coffee itself helps assuage mental health issues, or if people who regularly consume it are more likely to already be chemically pre-dispositioned against suicidal thoughts, so please don’t replace actual self care with coffee. But DO take comfort this dark drink can possibly assist against dark thoughts.

Coffee, which I’ll now refer to as “God-2,” has also been linked to 9-36 percent lower rates of death from neurological diseases such as Parkinson’s and dementia. The working theory is that increased circulation of blood is the saving grace here.

Now that your guzzling habit is once again confirmed as a gateway to joy and vitality, exactly how much coffee should you be drinking? Is 1/2 cup enough, or should you pull out the drinking trough for maximum success? These latest studies indicate that 1-3 cups a day is the sweet spot of maximum benefit, beyond that point, you’re not damaging yourself, but there’s no further benefit beyond pools of sweat and slight paranoia.

So drink up, rest assured that you’ve been making killer decisions, and go dominate your life.


[Photo: Cedar Cliff News]