Playboy CEO: “Porn Is Replacing Intimacy” (We Call Bullshit)

Sixty-two years after basically inventing modern pornography, Playboy’s acting too moral for oral. (I really wish “moral” rhymed with “porn.” This is what you get instead.)

Playboy CEO Scott Flanders told CNN that yes, the availability of free porn online changes Playboy’s prominence in that landscape, but also: “Unfortunately, availability of porn in some cases has substituted for intimacy in personal relationships.”

This determination comes after Playboy’s recent announcement that it will stop putting naked ladies between its sheets. What a convenient time to make this moral determination, Playboy! It’s almost as if it’s a BUSINESS decision DISGUISED as an ethical high ground! You’re a tricky dicky!

But for real, I’m sick of people blaming porn for everything. What a load of dirty Sanchez! Can’t a gal just order a pizza with a side of cock and not get blamed for ruining the world?

If a dude can’t tell the difference between porn and intimacy in personal relationships, he should see a doctor. Like, barf forever. Porn isn’t the problem. That’s like saying a block of jalapeño cheddar is the culprit instead of the fact that I eat cheese when I’m sad and I’ve just been dumped. THE CHEESE IS INNOCENT. Just because porn is the preferred outlet for some people with intimacy problems doesn’t mean it’s the causation. People will find ways to distract themselves from intimacy no matter the availability of porn. If there’s no porn, they may go to video games. If there are no video games, they may read a book. If there are no books, there’s always cheese. The absence of porn won’t fix a relationship.

As Playboy strives to invent new ways to stay relevant to millennial males, I have a suggestion: stop acting too cool for porn. You’re just bitter that the internet stole your business plan. Millennials can smell a fraud, and you smell like

naked

dirty

butts.

[CNNMoney]