I’m An Atheist, So How Will Trump Force Me To Wish Him A Merry Christmas?

The War on Christmas has been a fraught issue for many years now. Each year, it seems to come earlier and earlier, as certain kinds of Christians across the country steel themselves for the inevitable horror of the winter season — retail workers wishing them “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” For many, it is one of the most horrific forms of oppression they will ever endure outside of people they don’t know taking birth control and getting married to people of the same sex, which is why they must spend at least four months a year fretting about it.

Donald Trump has joined the chorus of those outraged and hurt over Starbucks’ holiday cup just being plain red this year. In response, he has renewed his promise that once he is President, everyone will say “Merry Christmas,” whether they like it or not. Clearly, this is going to be a large part of his platform.

Now, Trump has a lot of fascinating ideas for how things are gonna be when he becomes President. My favorite so far had been how he is going to immediately deport all the undocumented immigrants (which, were it to be done over 20 years would cost us between $400 and $600 billion dollars, no word on how much it would cost to do in a month) and magically force Mexico to cough up $6.4 billion for a ginormous, aesthetically pleasing wall. I’m certainly curious about how he plans to make that work! But now, I am even more curious about how he intends to keep his promise to make everyone say “Merry Christmas.”

I’m particularly curious about this, given that I’m an atheist and I have to wonder about how this policy will affect me and the other 30 percent of Americans who do not adhere to the Christian faith.

First of all, when will this start? Will there there be a set time period when I have to start wishing everyone a “Merry Christmas”? Like, from Black Friday through Dec. 26th or something? Will I just have to say it to strangers, or will I be required to say it to people when we both know for a fact that neither of us are Christians? Am I allowed to wish the Jewish people I know a Happy Chanukah in addition to a Merry Christmas, or are we just going to start pretending that Chanukah doesn’t exist at all? If someone doesn’t wish me a Merry Christmas, who do I report them to?

Do I actually have to convert to Christianity, or is saying “Merry Christmas” and assuming everyone I meet is a Christian enough?

I am primarily curious, however, about how this will all be enforced. Will the President of Mexico volunteer to be in charge of monitoring us? Or will Trump be rounding up all the illegal immigrants and getting them to do it, before deporting them? Will this involve some NSA wiretapping? Or perhaps we’ll all be fitted with devices that send an electrical shock to our system every time we see someone and don’t wish them a Merry Christmas? What will the fine be for not wishing someone a Merry Christmas? Will there be jail time? Or will we all be sentenced to manual labor as Mall Santas and elves? I would ask how much all of this will cost, but I think we know the answer — Trump will get the North Pole to pay for it!

Trump is making a pretty big promise with this mandatory “Merry Christmas” business — and given how importantly his constituency feels about this issue, they will be awfully disappointed if he can’t work this out.

[Talking Points Memo]