Justin Bieber’s (Literal) Redemption Tour Has Begun In Earnest

Justin Bieber’s redemption tour has begun in earnest, and we should all buckle up and brace ourselves for what’s to come. Bieber is on the cover of Billboard this month, in a story that goes deep on his faith, his feelings for Selena Gomez and how truly, actually sorry he is for just about everything he’s done in the past couple of years.

Scooter Braun, Bieber’s manager-friend, gives credit for Justin’s redemption to the man himself, but it seems that the person who actually helped Biebs get out of his own way is Pastor Judah Smith, whom Bieber reconnected with when he was 19.

“I’d come and listen to him and try to hear him out. I had all these questions and things were not adding up. ‘Well, why is this, then? How did all those animals fit on Noah’s Ark, then?’ ” Today he better understands faith. “That’s what it’s all about — not questioning it.”

Whatever works, man. The former child-star does seem to be actually, truly sorry. He seems to be making a real effort to move away from the preternaturally smooth-skinned jerk-off that pees in a mop bucket, eggs his neighbors’ house and pouts like an entitled brat throughout a videotaped deposition.

There’s a lot of good stuff in the interview, from Justin’s gentle new catchphrase (“Appreciate you”) to the fact that he thinks Bette Middler’s name is “Britt Meddler.” And, since his Lil Smokey ignited so much … something on the internet and beyond, here’s how the man attached to that penis felt about the whole debacle, including Papa Bieber’s #pride:

“I do feel the photo was an invasion of my privacy. I felt super violated. My dad made light of it, but I don’t think that’s sick and twisted. It was funny. Dads are going to be dads.”

(Bieber has his own joke about the paparazzi shot from his Bora Bora vacation: “I was scared. I first saw the one with the black bar over it. I was like, ‘Oh, my God. I just got out of the water. Shrinkage is real.’ ” So, er, was it? “No, no. That’s as big as she gets.”)

There you have it — Justin Bieber’s dick is a she and we’ve seen all of her.