Who Among Us Would Stick A Dildo In A Chocolate Cake?

Cakes should and can be filled with lots of things. Sprinkles. Funfetti. Delicious raspberry jam, slapped between layers of sponge. Cakes, however, should not contain dildos, which is what happened in Glasgow this past Friday.

As reported by The Evening Times, the cake in question was part of a bake sale to raise money for a Romanian orphanage, which makes the whole thing that much worse. Authorities believe the prank took lace between 10:30 and 10:45am, which is a very small window of time, but just enough to take a dildo and stick it in the first thing they saw: a chocolate cake. According to a source:

“By the close of business, the true nature of things came to light – someone had rammed a sex toy through a chocolate cake.

“As further acts of malice could not be ruled out the rest of the baked goods were binned.”

Who among us would be rude enough to bring a dildo to work with the sole intention of sticking it in a cake as a fun and sexy surprise for the person buying it? Who was the intended recipient of the dildo cake? The bake sale was put on by the local authority’s council tax and housing benefits office, so perhaps there was a clandestine romance between Margaret in accounts receivable and the dick bandit. Maybe this is part of their weird code about whose turn it is to lie to their spouse about nipping round the pub for a pint, so that they can continue their shared sexual reawakening in the backseat of someone’s car.

A Glasgow City Council spokeswoman says that “An investigation is underway.” But, I think that we, the American public could do a much better job. Someone get Sarah Koenig on the horn.

[The Evening Times]

Tags: cake, dildos, orphans