Last Minute Halloween Costumes For People Who Hate Halloween
Do you hate Halloween? Do you hate navigating through inevitable glut of humanity on the sidewalks as you briskly trot from wine store to your home, bobbing and weaving past groups of costumed adults, waving Marlboro Lights and texting? Would you rather lock yourself in your apartment to conduct your annual rewatch of “The Sopranos” while ghouls, both real and perceived, shriek outside your doors? Has a cruel person in your life invited you to a Halloween party that you have to attend, but you don’t wanna be the jerk who shows up not in costume? We’re here for you.
Halloween is kind of the worst but also kind of the best. Candy’s awesome and dressing up is fun if you like pageantry, and even if you don’t. But, this year, if you’ve decided to stop being such a holiday grinch and succumb to the tyranny of candy corn and zombie Minion costumes, here’s a few brief suggestions from our hearts to yours.
Go to your utensils drawer. Find a spoon. Hold said spoon near your face and smile like you’re holding one thousand precious French secrets in your other hand. Do this all night.
A celebrity without makeup
Do you bear a passing resemblance to a celebrity? Good. Dress as you normally would and attend your Halloween turn-up function of choice wearing no makeup. Extra points if you resemble Tyra Banks, that woman is obsessed with not wearing makeup, ever.
Steve Jobs, as portrayed by Michael Fassbender in “Steve Jobs”
Put on a black turtleneck and spend the entire night berating people while walking around. Never stop walking. Walk and talk the whole night. Find a bearded man to yell at, for extra authenticity.
Be really swole. Put on a grey shirt, hold your arms out from your sides as if they’re so swole you can’t physically touch your own body. Stare with intensity at every passing human you see. Smolder.
Poke armholes and a head hole into a garbage bag and put it on your body, over your outfit. When someone asks you what you are, say “The internet.”