#WitchyGirlProbs: “My Familiar Is Kind Of A Dick!”

Welcome to our first installment of #WitchyGirlProbs, in which Maud and Megan, two friends  who are not witches but have watched “The Craft,” answer all your questions about magically-ethical situations. If you’re a witch and you have a problem, or if you’re a regular person, and would like an answer, hit us up at [email protected]

Dear Witchy Girls,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five very happy and sexually fulfilling months.  He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We rarely fight. He moved into my house to little fanfare after our third date. He does the dishes when I cook, he’s funny, he’s handsome and he understands and identifies with my deep, abiding hate for cooked carrots. He’s unlike any man I’ve ever dated. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It’s as if he was made specifically for me. The twist? I magicked him into my life.

I carved my name and my star sign into a love candle, lit that candle and recited a rhyming spell to bring true love into my life. Three months later, I met my boyfriend. Fast forward five months and there I am, clad in crushed velvet and gardening clogs under the light of a blood moon, as my beloved slips a ring onto my finger. Here’s the rub: his presence in my life is a direct result of the spell. I’m convinced of it. Does this make our love any less valid? Am I morally obligated to tell him that we only met because I  invoked his ass into my life? Help! – Nervous in Nebraska

While we’re very glad that you found your one true love, we urge you to do yourself and your heart a favor and fall back. Five months is hardly enough time to decide if you like the new leather jacket you bought while PMSing. It’s barely enough time to figure out if you like your new job or if you think your hair color is giving you everything you thought it would when you got it done. Five months isn’t enough time to gestate a child. What we’re saying is, it’s short. It’s not that much time at all. The infatuation phase is so very real, but the Goddess probably would advise you against rushing into a binding legal arrangement with someone who is essentially a stranger. That, my friend, is your first problem. As for letting your intended know how you found him, you can chill on that point too.

The truth is, as much as we can try to bend the universe to our will, it’s still largely a mystery, and so you may have to learn to live with the fact that you’ll never truly know whether you manifested your man through candle magick or if he really is just totally perfect.

Dear Witchy Girls,

My familiar, Mr. Mistoffelees, is kind of a dick. He’s my best friend, my true ride or die, but he’s not the nicest. I raised him from a kitten, plucking him from the weed-choked backyard of my first apartment, and brought him into my home, training him to do my bidding when I’m otherwise occupied. For the most part, this has worked out fine. I can spend time organizing my tinctures and Mr. Mistoffelees spends his time carrying out the very important work he’s been assigned to do.

He resists affection. He wakes me up at night by levitating directly over my face, breathing hot, foul, Friskies breath. He scratches me when I feed him. When I go to bed and leave him in the living room to think about the hell that he’s wrought, I hear his needle nails scrabbling over the hardwood. I fall asleep to the sound of his heavy body slamming against my bedroom door as he tries desperately to gain access. He does a decent job at carrying out my commands and serving as a corporeal representation of my ephemeral intentions, but he’s a terrible companion. I think I raised an asshole. What do I do?! – Disappointed in Denver

Have you thought about having your familiar’s energy read? It sounds like he might be carrying around some darkness, that could subtly be affecting your energy as well. Familiars often take on the traits of their owners. Are the tasks your familiar carries out for you full of ill intent? Is the spellwork you’re doing at home meant to cause harm? Perhaps consider the environment that you’re living in. It’s easy to blame yourself for the behavior of your companion, but remember that when you found Mr. Mistoffelees in that backyard, the blueprint for who and what he was going to be was already well-established. Everyone has good intentions, but we lack the control to halt the momentum of a life that already has its own path. If your familiar was going to grow up to be a dick, regardless of how he was raised, that’s on him. You can’t do anything about that, and it’s pointless to try.

Setting your familiar’s energy and other magickal properties aside, let’s talk about your home. Clean his litter box more often. Make sure that his bowl is full of water and free of cat hair and the occasional belly-up housefly. Take care of your familiar and he’ll take care of you in return.