Here Are Two People Living Their Best Goddamned Lives

I don’t know what you’re doing with the finite amount of time you’ve got left in this plane of existence, but I know that there are at least two people who are living correctly.

One is Doris Payne, the octogenarian jewel thief who we last heard about in July, when she pocketed a $33,000 David Yurman ring in South Carolina. She’s now been arrested in Atlanta for stealing some diamond earrings at Saks Fifth Avenue. Payne has reportedly stolen over $2 million of jewelry and she’s been arrested over 20 times, and she’s the subject of a documentary about her thieving (which I now must watch). She is clearly unrepentant and I want to adopt her as my grandmother.

Then there’s this guy in Tacoma, who was pulled over for using a carpool lane illegally by strapping a zombie doll into the passenger seat. I know that the “ha ha ha someone put a doll in their front seat to use the carpool lane” story is nothing new, but I want to point out how little this man tried to make the scenario convincing. First of all, he used a zombie doll. Second, he put that thing in a pink onesie. Third, he was apparently of the opinion that the correct way to drive with a small child is to just buckle them into the front seat, not put them in a carseat. I appreciate his flagrant lack of effort in service of his own convenience. Bravo, Pink Onesie Zombie Guy.

Doris and Pink Zombie Onesie Guy should be our inspiration for the day. What can we do to serve our own desires while blatantly disregarding the social contract? This is the question we must at least occasionally ask ourselves.

[TIME]
[Washington Post]

[Images via Twitter/Fulton County Sheriff’s Office]

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