Sexy Halloween Costume Alternatives

Instead of CAT WOMAN, be TOO-MANY-CATS WOMAN and say, “I knead you.”

Instead of FRENCH MAID, be FRENCH CANADIAN MAID, and say, “I aime le HOCKEY.”

Instead of SEXY CAVEWOMAN, be a PALEO-FREAK and say, “You really need a diet without grains, sugar, or anything that’s been invented after 10,000 BC.”

Instead of a PLAYBOY BUNNY, be a MEN’S MAGAZINE FULL OF INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING and say, “It’s honestly all about the articles now.”

Instead of SEXY PIRATE, be a MERCHANT MARINE, and say, “I’ve been at sea for years. Does anyone have a toothbrush?”

Instead of a SEXY RACE CAR DRIVER, be a VW DRIVER and say, “You want to talk about screwing? The environment and I have been fuuuuucked.”

Instead of SEXY LIBRARIAN, be a FAN FICTION WRITER and say, “I will not rest until Harry and Hermione are together!”

Instead of CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL, be HOME SCHOOLED GIRL and—in your stained sweatpants—say, “Moooooommmmm, we’re out of peanut butter!”

Instead of SEXY NURSE, be NURSE RATCHED, and say, “It’s not you, it’s lobotomy.”

Instead of SEXY MERMAID, be a really enthusiastic SCUBA diver and say, “This new dive watch monitors my decompression!”

Instead of a CHEERLEADER, be a CHEER FEEDER and say “EAT THIS CHEER. I WILL LEGIT FORCE FEED YOU RAINBOWS!”

Instead of SEXY INDIAN CHIEF, be an IGNORANT WHITE GIRL and say “For some reason it’s okay to appropriate other cultures on Halloween!”