Mean Federal Judge Won’t Let Alabama Defund Planned Parenthood

Today is a sad day for Alabama. In a move which will likely come as a huge blow to fans of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections everywhere, a Federal Judge has barred the state from defunding Planned Parenthood.

Advocates for the ban had naturally been excited for an opportunity to prevent low-income women from accessing reproductive healthcare and a chance to increase the state’s rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis from two times the national average to at least four. By hindering their access to birth control and STI testing/treatments, heathen slut women would not be able to evade the righteous punishments God had intended for them. Also, as a bonus, more shotgun weddings to attend!

They had a dream. A beautiful dream of going from only 14th in the nation for teen pregnancies all the way up to number one. Now, that dream has been destroyed.

In a 66-page opinion, U.S District Judge Myron Thompson explained that he ruled against the defunding because the state of Alabama couldn’t actually give a legal reason for why they wanted to defund Planned Parenthood, other than just not liking Planned Parenthood. Judge Thompson also found that “the action likely violated a requirement of the federal Medicaid Act that prevents states from barring family planning providers for reasons unrelated to quality of care.”

Governor Robert Bentley was of course severely disappointed by the decision, and had his lawyers explain to the judge that he had totally seen some (deceptively edited) videos on the internet that totally made it look like Planned Parenthood was totally selling fetus parts on the black market. Judge Thompson noted that the two remaining Planned Parenthoods in Alabama do not even participate in the fetal tissue donation program. LIKE THAT MATTERS. IT WAS ON YOUTUBE, JUDGE. YOUTUUUUUUBE.

Interestingly enough, the state of Alabama’s Medicaid program has actually only paid out $5000 to Planned Parenthood over the last two years, literally all of which went to contraceptives for low-income women. It likely cost the people of the state more to actually bring this to court and pay the lawyers involved, than the measly $2500 a year they were paying to give poor women some birth control. And liberals are the fiscally irresponsible ones? Clearly, this was a very wise and responsible use of everyone’s time and money.

Thankfully, Alabama still has an abstinence-only policy when it comes to sex-ed, so hopefully teenagers won’t even find out about birth control and condoms until it’s too late, just as God intended.

[Talking Points Memo]